THE ARRIVAL AND THE BIRTH

My pregnancy was truly wonderful, an exciting time for both Dennis and I.  I was one of those "glowing" pregnant gals.  When Colin was born, it was one of the best days of my life.  Colin was our first son, he was the first grandchild, the first nephew on both sides of the family.  Imagine the thrill for everyone, especially Dennis and I.

BUT, at birth,  he only weighed 4 lbs, 8 oz.  Colin had to be in an incubator for 10 days.  He was absolutely the cutest baby (of course, this is MOM talking).  FACT:  Because he was premature, his skin was beautiful. Premature babies don't have wrinkled skin like many newborns. 

My room was on the main floor of the maternity ward where all the other new Moms were and I felt sooooo lonely  -  words cannot describe the trauma that I experienced.  Are you kidding me??  Seriously, they would never do that today.  

I did not hold him until he was ready to come out of the incubator.  All the new moms had their babies nearby, but our little Colin was two floors up.  I did not make the trip up there for at least 24 hours; it took me that long to figure it out.  I had to ask, the nurses did not tell me.  I had to see him being held by nurses behind the glass. 

The anguish is still very real today.  I have forgiven and let go, but the pain is still there.  In looking back, it is my belief that all concerned were really uninformed, after all, that was 40 years ago.  But I also believe that there was a "conspiracy" to keep me uninformed.  Colin was brain damaged not because of natural causes, but because he was dropped during the delivery process.  This is something that I was NEVER told.  In today's world, these things do happen I am sure, but the delivering Doctor would be held accountable and today's Nurses would be sure of that.  (stay tuned for more blogs on how this unfolded).

In the beginning, I was not in the least bit worried about him, as the nurses and doctors assured me that he would be just fine, he just needed a little time to develop.  They lied and covered up and I believed them.  

We took him home after the 10 days and it was then that the concerns began.    My self esteem did not permit me to trust my intuition and the cycle of denial began.  Of course, I really wanted to believe that he was fine, just tiny.

Years later,  I did run across the name and address of the delivering Doctor.  (There are no accidents in life, only spiritually orchestrated events).  I wrote this Doctor a very open letter in which I stated who I was and why I was writing to him.  He did respond, but denied having any knowledge of such a case and went on to inform me that by now all records would be destroyed so it really did not matter.  I still have his letter.  The tone in his letter led me to believe that he knew exactly what I was talking about.  I do trust my intuition now. All I wanted from him was an admission of the mistake and an apology.  Just an acknowledgement  -  would that have been too much to ask?

We certainly moved on with our lives.  I believe that Colin was given to me so that I could grow up. I had a lot of growing up to do and Colin helped me to do that.  He brought out the worst and the best in me.  Thank you God and thank you Colin.  Bless you!!!

HE CAN READ MY MIND - HE HAS A GIFT

I don't know why God chose me to be Colin's mom, but he did!!  Some people believe that Colin chose me.  No one ever really understood Colin.  Being the totally loving, caring person I am, I was (and continue to be, of course) totally and completely devoted to our beautiful son.  I understood him completely and I completely did not understand him.  As a baby his verbal skills were really delayed, but it did not take me long to figure out the "sounds"!!!  He and I were connected at a profound level.  I did not know at the time, but I know it now.  He also knows me completely.  Its like he can hear my thoughts.  It was spooky when I first noticed and, for a long time, I ignored the "signs".

My friend Marie once told me that Colin was more "evolved" than any of us.   That really got me noticing and accepting more things about Colin.  When we share our "secrets" with others, its easier to accept our reality.  And we no longer feel crazy!!!  

For instance, one day when we were living in Regina, I was busy in the kitchen doing the dishes. I was thinking about what I was planning to wear to a party.  Colin was sitting at the kitchen table behind me and he volunteered out of the blue without any prompting from me; "Mom, why don't you wear the blue dress?"   He would have been about 11 or 12 years old then.

There were many events like this on a daily basis and I often just ignored and denied.  Our connection continues today.  Just recently, I was thinking about some art work that Colin had created and that was sitting around our house waiting to be framed.  I thought that I would "mention" to Colin that he consider giving it to my sister Louise for her 25th wedding anniversary.  I no sooner thought the thought that the phone rang and he said "Oh Mom, I was just thinking that I should give that artwork to Auntie Louise"!!!  He was not in the kitchen with me picking up on my "vibes", he was on the other side of the City  -  many km's away!!!

This never ceases to amaze me.  Colin never ceases to amaze me.  He has many gifts.  He is my gift from God.  I am grateful, Thank you God.

"What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise."  -  Oscar Wilde

A HEART SQUEEZER!!!

I believe that God speaks to me in all kinds of ways - sometimes I am aware and other times I am totally oblivious. Nothing was coming to mind for my blog for this week . In the middle of the night last night, I believe He spoke to me because this story came to mind and it was still in my mind this morning. So here it is!!

Colin, our mentally challenged son is the oldest of our three boys. Many things were a huge challenge for him. We always treated him like he was a “normal” kid. We really had high expectations of him. His younger brothers actually became older brothers to him in many ways. Especially Sheldon our second son. Colin was born in July of 1972 and Sheldon was born in October of 1974. Sheldon quickly learned to be very forgiving and thoughtful and kind. Sheldon had to grow up very quickly and Sheldon took to that very naturally. He was (and still is) an old soul. Wise beyond his years. Derek our third son came along in February 1978, so Derek had the luxury of being the youngest for a long time. Derek brought the gift of laughter to our home.

Colin did not walk until he was about 26 months - just before his new brother came along, thank goodness!! (I say that a lot) ::)) But his speech was a big challenge and we did not have the resources that are available today. Colin's development was painfully slow, but his brothers really helped to motivate and encourage him I believe. What a gift they were to us and to Colin!!! Of course they are still a gift today.

Both Sheldon and Derek were clever and developed amazingly quickly compared to Colin. Everything from potty training to feeding themselves. They were able to dress themselves and were really quite self reliant at an early age it seems to me.

We had the privilege of living in a neighbourhood where there were lots of kids and the boys played outside a lot with their little friends. There was always lots of activity. Colin was often in school and missed out on some of the social activities.

The one activity that he missed out on was riding a bike. He just could not figure it out, no matter how much we tried to help him. Dennis finally purchased a scooter and Colin seemed to get along really well with that. Of course, all the other neighbourhood kids had to try it out. Unfortunately after a very short period of time, the scooter went missing and was never found again.

This happened in the summer of 1980. Colin was 8, Sheldon was 5 ½ and Derek 2 ½. So Derek was still hanging around with me a lot, but Colin and Sheldon were a team. One morning Sheldon decided that he was going to help Colin learn how to ride a bike - a huge task for a 5 ½ year old!!! Before I tell you much else, I have to tell you that Colin was subject to terrible temper tantrums, frustrated, I am sure, by the fact that he could see his “shortcomings”. He often took his “rage” out on the people around him, especially his brothers.

Sheldon was undaunted. He found a place not far from where we lived with a paved pathway which was not frequented by many people and which had a bit of a hill, perfect for the task at hand. I wish I could have been a little bird watching this transformation because we know that Colin, in his frustration, took to beating on his brother Sheldon many, many times. The amazing thing is that Sheldon kept at it for days and days - I am certain that it took a week of all day coaching; at least 3 - 4 hours a day. Sheldon would put his little cap on and say “come on Colin”. There were a lot of tears.  Finally, one day, they came running into the house shouting with their success, smiles from ear to ear. Colin could finally ride a bike. He could not figure the brakes out - but he did figure out that if he stood down; the bike would stop. It was hilarious!!   In our neighborhood, that method of stopping worked. (I can never think of him riding his bike in today's crazy traffic, but back then it really was ok). Sheldon gave Colin the gift of freedom to ride along with the other kids!!!

The challenge for me with this story is that I really had to let Sheldon and Colin work this out. Little and young as they were -  Intuitively, I knew this was not my business; I could not interfere with this work that was going on here. I believe that God told me to mind my own business and that is the only way I stayed out of the way.

This story brings huge pride to my heart. What a little trooper that Sheldon was with his brother Colin. This story also brings huge laughter when I think of our Colin riding his bike without the ability to stop other than standing down. The perseverance is amazing. Sheldon you are still a hero to your brother and to your parents - you are still an amazing brother!!! God Bless you! And Happy Mother's Day to me and all the other Moms reading this!!!

MOVING OUT - MOM I AM LONELY

Our son Colin is fiercely independent - and I am so proud of that fact!!! Colin was brain damaged at birth. Today he is an adult but I often still refer to him as my child... I just can't help it. He functions at about a 12 – 13 year level.... sometimes not even that age. Sometimes more like a 3 – 4 year old when he is not being understood or not getting what he wants.  His reading skills are basic functional and he is the king of the transit system in the City of Calgary  -  he could travel train almost anyone.  A valuable skill for a guy who does not drive.

In the Fall of 1992 when he was 20 years old - we managed to have a new counsellor enter our lives and especially; Colin's life. Phil helped Colin work his way through setting some goals. I know that sounds like a business plan for a serious business executive. Phil was very creative and he and Colin decided that Colin could be living on his own in his own apartment by October, 1993. During the next year  -  we went through a painful process of Colin being ready to go, and Dennis and I were not.  Then Colin decided not to move out, and Dennis and I were ready to see him leave.  Round and round we went.  Finally, Colin actually moved into his new apartment by September 1993 a month ahead of schedule.

Amazing, it still amazes me today.

There was a flurry of activity getting furniture and all the household items that he needed in order to achieve this and of course his Dad and I had a lot to do with that.

It was both very exciting and absolutely terrifying. For all of us. Colin's brothers Sheldon and Derek were, I think relieved in many ways. They were a little younger and trying to have a life and having an “older brother” like Colin around was a bit of a challenge.

We connected with a support service especially designed to help folks like Colin lead a productive, independent life.  Aussie was her name and she became Colin's best friend and mine!!

We finally did get him moved. It was a cute little bachelor pad, perfect for him in an older apartment building just off 17^th Avenue near the downtown area, here in Calgary.  Colin was a happening guy!!

It was within the first week that the calls started coming in - I did not have a cell phone then (thank Goodness). The calls started immediately with “Maaawm, I am so loooonely!” Sheesh, I really was not ready for that. I really did think that he would be fine. Yes, I was naive.  Thank God for my 12-Step program where I learned to “LET GO” and “LET GOD” - my trust in my Higher Power critical in letting Colin work his way through this. I also had some amazing friends and of course, my family was very supportive. It was really painful, but after about a week, yes it was at least a week of having to use the tough love approach; I continued to get calls from him but less about how lonely he was. He gradually got a job, and developed his own little life. His little life taught me so very much. I must say that it really took about a year before we believed that he was going to make it.

Today, if I ever ask him: “Colin, would you like to move in with Mom and Dad?”, the question hardly leaves my mouth and he responds with: “Nope”!!! and he gives me the biggest smile.  God is Good!!!