HE KNOWS

I know that it does not seem possible but he can be very far from me, but he knows my every thought and he especially knows my feelings.

Just yesterday, I was sharing some personal stuff with some friends and I was quite emotional (what a surprise).  Dennis was sitting beside me and at that very moment, Colin called me on my cell phone, at that very moment, I believe that he knew that I was crying, which I was, and it was bigger than both he and I  -  he had to call.  It happens over and over and over again.  It never ceases to amaze me.

I have been a good mother I know for all three of my boys.  I nurtured and guided to the very best of my ability.  I surely made some mistakes.  Yelling and screaming was my biggest flaw.  It was a learned behavior and I slowly had to delete that behavior from my psyche!!!  I constantly had to ask for patience. I am not a naturally patient person.  Having three boys challenged that to a great degree.  I am sure that you can understand. I am so grateful for the opportunity of having these three boys.   They made me grow up and become the courageous and strong woman that I am today.  It fills me up.

When Colin was growing up especially in the first ten years of his life, he was in fact quite fragile. When he got sick  -  he was usually very sick.  His upper respiratory system was subject to a lot of colds.  His immune system was compromised.  With my two other boys, when they got sick, I could medicate them and put them to bed, or get them set up on the couch in the living room and they would respond well to some TLC. However, with Colin, he was very needy.  I often wonder if it was because when he was born, he was placed in an incubator for the first ten days of his life without any contact from either Dennis or me.  The bonding was lacking and because of that he was always very "attached" to me.  He wanted to be held a lot. When he got sick there was no putting him down or laying him down so that I could attend to meals and housework.  I remember making meals with him on my hip, especially when he was sick.  We certainly bonded then.

Is it any wonder that I weighed about 95 pounds during that period of time???  haha -  that was a long time ago.

He definitely is intuitively attached to me.  It's a good thing and a bad thing.  The bad is that he experiences my sadness and confusion.  The good thing is that he is intuitive.  He KNOWS when to reach out  -  it is a spiritual thing.  ALL good!!!  makes me grateful.  

COVID 19. - DID I GROW???

In the last 18 - 19 months, since March 2020  -  the question we are all asking ourselves is how did I do???  Did I suffer through this or did I flourish? Did I make some changes???  Did I make some decisions??  What was the impact of COVID on me and my family and friends??

For me personally  -  I became aware of serious pain in my upper torso, mostly in my shoulders and my back generally.  I thought it was stress (do ya think???).  But as the year progressed, by the end of 2020, it became like serious muscle spasms rendering me helpless. but I finally got some relief by getting a prescription of pregabalin and Tylenol twice a day and a steady intake of Tylenol every day.  I then started to see a physiotherapist and massage and finally saw a chiropractor who was brilliant.  He requested x-rays, which showed NOTHING, he then requested that my doctor requisition an MRI. which my sons paid for.  

The MRI took place in June and then thankfully in early July I met with a Neurosurgeon.  The diagnosis was a growth on my spine which was causing severe compression on my spine.  The growth is called meningioma which is a non-cancerous growth.  By this time, my entire body was experiencing numbness and tingling  -  NOT a good sign.   My surgeon picked the date of September 8, 20th and thankfully that is the date that the surgery took place.  The morning of my surgery, I arrived at the hospital and registered.....all surgeries in Alberta were canceled due to COVID.  Thankfully, mine went ahead .  Then began the process of healing from the surgery.  There are so many reasons for being grateful..... but the big one is that the pain that I had been experiencing in my upper body was gone.  GONE!

Through all this process that I was experiencing  -  Colin's life became unmanageable in so many ways.  Please note that I said his life became unmanageable.....he did not.  With the COVID restrictions, his life during lockdown could have really turned ugly.  His activities included bowling on Saturdays and two trips to Indefinite Arts, as well as 3 visits per week with his worker Brian.  ALL of these activities had to come to a stop.  We were worried sick about his mental health.  He lives alone and TV programs are limited in their entertainment value for him.  I must say his supportive roommates, Ken and Linda who lived upstairs were absolute angels. Linda offered to go get his groceries.  And then as the year progressed, she offered a new eating program for Colin.  Colin being a serious type 2 diabetic.  I believe they saved his life.

I regret to say that I completely walked away from this valuable source of healing...  It is now 2026 and about 5 years later.  I can't say enough about Ken and Linda. -  Colin still talks about them to this day.  he had the opportunity to stay with them for six days and that certainly helped Colin realize that they still care for him deeply.

I am 78 years of age now and honestly am currently struggling with osteoporosis and arthritis.  This results in my needing to take care of me and honestly that is very challenging.  I have lots of family support but none of them live here.  I am richly blessed with amazing friends and they keep me going.  That is a story in itself but this is about Colin.  

I must say that I believe that Ken and Linda suffered from burnout and finally asked that Colin move on. -  He suffered emotionally from this and ended up living in 5 different situations.  Most of them VERY challenging.  

Over the years he has become fiercely independent; which is a really good thing but also difficult to manage.  If he has a doctor's appointment for instance, and he does not want to attend....there is NOTHING I can do about it.  It's funny but I try also not to let it stress me out-  We get the job done.  The doctors are very understanding.

ONE DAY AT A TIME   -  with the help of MY HIGHER POWER.  We get through this.

thanks for listening

THE DAM BROKE

Well, yesterday morning, things kind of went sideways on me  -  or they went exactly how they were supposed to.  In God's world, everything moves in Divine Order.  

I have had a cold since Tuesday, January 25, 2022.  We did run a rapid test to find a negative result.  It does not matter, really, I have been isolating since then.  This cold will run its course but I chose to self-isolate.  

But for Colin who visits us every Sunday  - it's a big deal.  He calls every single day, every single morning.  His first call today, was at 7:39 am, followed by 3 more calls before 9:00 am.  The last call was when I had to be very firm with him and to tell him that he could not come for a visit and NO we were not coming over to have supper with him.  

I don't need to be reminded that he functions at a 12 - 13 year level and sometimes it's more like he functions at a five-year-old level.  Trying to reason things out with him is exhausting and I sure did not have the energy to do that then.  By 9:00 am he clearly understood but he was VERY unhappy about it.  This crazy COVID stuff has us all feeling confused and chaotic.  I know that I made the right decision.

In the meantime; I received a message from a friend of our son's.  She messaged me to thank Colin for the artwork Colin had created for their summer home.  

Two years prior, this friend had mentioned to Colin that she liked the painting that Colin had created for our son & daughter-in-law.  That little compliment inspired Colin and he could not wait to get to work on this project for them.  Carrie's family just received it yesterday even though Colin had created it for them almost 2 years ago.  

The message indicated that their family is so touched that Colin would think enough of them to do this custom piece for them.  And Carrie's words simply triggered that part deep inside of me that is reserved for moments like this.  BOOM -  the dam burst wide open. The kind of crying that found me sitting in the shower bawling my face off.  I am crying still with gratitude for the love and kindness this young woman spoke to me to relay to Colin. It was my immense pleasure to convey this to Colin.  He just beams from ear to ear and says not much.

Do you know how patient Colin has been??   He can outwait the best of us I promise you.  He is VERY patient and beyond mature at times.  It would be hard to compete with him.

And yet other times, it feels like the smallest thing can trigger him into having a temper tantrum and total meltdown, like a five-year-old.  I simply have to be patient.  He teaches me something EVERY day. I am a lucky Mom. 

I have been his Mom and caregiver for 49+ years and if nothing else I have learned that I will be his caregiver forever and ever.....I really need to have very strong boundaries and be sure to take good care of myself first.   It is the hardest thing to do and I continuously learn this every single day.  AND no guilt.  

I am thinking that pretty much every single parent out there knows what I am saying.  Balance and boundaries; it's a dance every single day.  When I don't put myself first; I will pay a price and the result is resentment; which does not serve me or him or anyone in my family.  I have learned through the Grace of God, that I have choices every day and the first choice I make is to LOVE myself enough so that I can continue to love him and others every day.

Simple but NOT easy.  Be amazing  -  you know you are.

Happy New Year - 2021

The start of a New Year requires a letting go of the old.

Yesterday, December 31, 2020, was not my best day. Colin had a doctor's appointment at 9:00 AM. He has changed medications and we have had several appointments recently, not fun for him and certainly challenging for me.

Colin's health is delicate in many ways in that he had a heart attack in 2017, and of course, he is diabetic. Back in 2017; his diabetes was actually out of control, very concerning for all of us who care for him. He was very unreliable with taking his meds. He did not live with us and his new room-mates had not taken on the role yet of dispensing his meds.

All of that has now been rectified. His supportive room-mates are responsible for dispensing his meds and Colin accepts and welcomes the structure and support that Ken and Linda provide. This year has been life-changing for Colin in that his supportive room-mates have introduced a meal package to come to Colin three times a week for nutritious and healthy eating. It's also an opportunity for Colin to work at developing his culinary skills. His meals are always served on his good china plates with silverware and candles in place. Imagine if we all did that even just once a week? Linda helps in the food preparation on the condition that Colin's place is nice and clean. This motivates Colin to get his dishes done and put away.

The progress since 2017:

1. His type-2 diabetes is under much better control.

2. His overall health and well being has improved dramatically.

3. He is motivated to keep his place clean (for the most part).

4. He has accepted help from his supportive room-mates.

5. He has accepted a change in medication from daily injections of insulin to one injection once a week. Ozempic is also an appetite suppressant with a variety of side-effects. He is still adapting to this.

6. He is less dependant on me - I have “delegated” and “released” the responsibilities of a variety of tasks to his workers/support staff as much as possible.

7. He continues to develop his creative skills with his amazing artwork - especially during these pandemic times.

8. He bowls with Special O - for more than 25 years now.

9. He is always up for a walk - he loves to walk.

10. Wearing a suit or tuxedo is what you will find him wearing as almost EVERY activity unless we strongly encourage wearing something more casual.

And there may be more - He continues to amaze me. 

BUT yesterday was a difficult day for him and me.  Going to see Colin's endocrinologist is very trying for him. I picked him up as I usually do - he was running a little late, but no big deal. I usually allow for delays, I like to be on time. As soon as I picked him up - he was distant and critical of my driving. This is a little irritating but does not really affect me... I have learned to overlook that. 

Then when we arrived at the PLC (Peter Lougheed Hospital), where masks are required, I reminded him and he objected, saying that there will be masks when we arrive inside - OK Colin. When he was handed the mask in the hospital, he put it on upside down and I supported the worker by repeating what the worker had said - which triggered the 5-year-old response from him. It is very upsetting to have him do that - anywhere - anytime - but I did walk away and proceeded with paying for parking and proceeding to the actual Dr's office. Where there were 2 more outbursts always directed at me. My job is to maintain my composure and obtain all the information from the doctor. But I am dying inside.....absolutely crushed. Colin is very INTUITIVE and closely connected to me and he KNOWS - there is no communication required. However, I am stuck in the mire of accepting what is, but it FEELS like I am being attacked.

I was successful in completing and getting through the appointment. I drove Colin home and on the drive home explained to Colin (with a great deal of control) that he needs to decide who will take him to these appointments in the future....because I want to quit.

I broke down and cried for many hours when I got home - I am broken - I am finished. I cannot subject myself to this any longer. What, of this, can I control and change? Only me. I cannot change Colin. I can understand that this is very anxiety-producing for him and that he cannot find the words to articulate this.....but I cannot do that for him. I need to take care of me..... otherwise, I cannot be of service and help to Colin.

How do I take care of myself??? I connect with God - my Higher Power - my Daddyo. EVERY DAY.  I surrender and I humbly ask for the support and direction I need, EVERY DAY. I go for walks, almost EVERY DAY. I take care of myself and ask for help EVERY DAY. I share my pain EVERY DAY. I practice gratitude EVERY DAY. I write down the miracles of my day EVERY DAY.  I remind myself EVERY DAY that where there is FEAR, there is no room for LOVE.

I know that I am not alone..... I have an amazing network of amazing friends and family..... but in this walk sometimes I am ALONE. I am OK, he is OK - we are all OK.

We are off to celebrate the NEW YEAR at Colin's place where I know that every day is a celebration for him. He teaches me to live in the moment..... Will I ever learn??  My INTENTION is to learn, EVERY DAY and I intend to make 2021 amazing and to accept everything that comes my way.

Good Morning Mom

I have not shared a blog with you in a very long time.

In the last week or so, Colin's early morning calls are remarkably happy joyous and free.  It never ceases to amaze me!  I say hello around 6:30 am to hear him shout out with a gleeful good morning Mom!!!  I can tell from his voice that he is beaming from head to toe.  Happy and energetic.!!!  There is no special reason or cause for his happy greeting  -  it just is.  Like him.  Colin simply is.  Life for him is pretty simple and uncomplicated.

He knows that he is taken care of.  If there is a financial need, Mom will write a cheque.  If there is a need to pay for his artwork Mom will write a cheque and maybe even deliver it for him.  His rent is paid, he gets groceries once a week with the help of his supportive roommates.  The biggest challenge in his view is getting his suits drycleaned  -  LOL.  This is very important to him.  He wears suits all the time and so it's imperative that they get cleaned on a regular basis.  The important thing for me is to let him make MANY of his own decisions.  I need to mind my own business and he will remind me when I am NOT minding my own business.   Well, because sometimes, I am just a Mom after all.

It's easy to think that life is easy for him.   I believe that he DECIDED a long time ago that life is good and I believe that he decides every day that he just lives life on life's terms.   Easier said than done.  I need to apply this idea to my life   -  DECIDING is a big word and words have a huge impact.

He does function at about a 12 - 13-year level.  So he is living in an (almost) 47-year-old body with the reasoning of a very young adolescent.  That sometimes means meltdowns right in the middle of the Winner's store, or in the middle of the street when we are out doing errands.   When that happens: he is at about a five-year level.   And I am at about the 13-year level. 

My life with him is far from perfect  -  I want to make that perfectly clear, but when he calls with his absolutely happy voice, all the negative stuff melts away.  I am immediately recharged and ready to take on another day, maybe even another week. He is truly amazing.  GRATITUDE is another important word.  I practice gratitude every day. Even the challenging ones.

He is learning something new every day.  He is certainly fully engaged with technology to his fullest capacity.  He has almost mastered texting and forwarding photos on his cell phone.  He blows me away at how he learns this.  He does not let me teach him ANY of this.  I believe he learns this from some of his friends.  (YIPES  -  it makes me wonder  -  what else does he learn from his friends???)

He teaches me every day, every single day  -  DIGNITY is the most important word.  Respect and dignity.  We all deserve respect and so does he.  I don't think he expects this  -  He simply knows it.

I think he KNOWS more than I ever will  -  he still teaches me every day  -  I try to extend respect and dignity and most of all love  -  that one is easy.  How could I not love him???  

A RESUME???

Being the mother of a special needs child is a 24/7 job.  This is not a surprise  -  but sometimes I ask "could it be 3 - 4 days a week instead of a 24/7 job"?  Caregiver from afar, but the caregiver never the less.  Colin is fiercely independent and does not live with us, but he is also very needy.  

I had no training for this job (no mother/parent ever has);  I really believe that we learn as we go and we need to learn to trust our intuition and more importantly; ask for help.  It's really important that I forgive myself for being less than perfect.  I also ask other family members and learn from other's experiences.  And most importantly, rely on God for help.

There is a list a mile long  -  Wecare and Home Care; doctors, dentists, foot care, dealing with AISH, always being his advocate.

I have recently been in touch with many other parents, especially moms, many of them much younger than I with special needs kids who are also much younger than Colin (he is 46 now).  It is a rich blessing to be surrounded by such amazing young women.  They really are amazing. 

As many of you know, Colin was brain damaged at birth and also has developed Type 2 diabetes with a heart condition.  I thought by this time that I would be letting go of him more and more, but these medical challenges have drawn me in so that letting go is not an option.

There have been more health challenges in the last year and a half and I am feeling close to burn-out.  I catch myself thinking and saying out loud that I want to resign  -  I am tired of the stress and the demands.   But in sharing and talking with my dear amazing friends (and family), I have come to realize that quitting simply is not an option.  At this point, the choice is to slip into self-pity or ACCEPT with gratitude.  To that end, I have realized that I am at another level of ACCEPTANCE.  This is not going to change.  He is not going to change and I simply choose to learn to delegate and ask for more help wherever possible and continue to do what I can.

Above all, I choose to take care of myself.  Get rest, eat properly, go for my walks; where I pray and meditate.  I share with my amazing friends (talking is part of my processing) and I also take in lots of networking events, where I always meet some more amazing women.  Women who are brave and courageous and who are supportive and encouraging to me.  They INSPIRE me.  I breathe again and smile.  There is a God and He really is there for me and He knows what is up and what the future holds.  I simply choose to keep working on that resume!!!  And have another drink of that ACCEPTANCE and spike it with GRATITUDE.

A TRIP TO THE BARBER

Its Saturday and I usually don't hang out with Colin.  However, there is always a, however, he wanted a haircut.  I don't know about you, but when I want a haircut I usually want it now.  He is a fanatic about getting his hair cut.  What I am trying to say is I allowed him to talk me into taking him for a haircut.

This is not really about the haircut, but about the fact that I got to spend time with him today.  I had several errands and I really did not like the idea of having one more errand.

I met up with him, because "Mom, you don't need to pick me up  -  I will get there on my own".

We met at Tim Horton's (one of his favourite places) and then we drove over to the barbershop.  In the spirit of letting him make some decisions on his own, he picks the barber.  A small courtesy that provides DIGNITY for him.

While we are sitting there waiting; he chatters away about all kinds of things.  There is quite a large waiting area.  He talks loudly when he is excited; animated is the word.   Nothing really important but he is a storyteller and he does not appear to be affected by anyone around him.  You have to understand that he is dressed to the NINES  -  he looks like he is on his way to the Oscars because he is wearing his "tails" as he calls them.  It really is a formal tuxedo and he wears it allll the time.  Yes, he does.  Complete with a white shirt, a beautiful tie, and cufflinks.   Just a little bit of an attention getter.

While we are sitting there waiting and I am listening and acknowledging him and his stories I notice how some people in the waiting area are trying NOT to stare or "judge" but I know they are.  Colin is unaffected by people who might be staring or judging.  I have gotten used to it as well, but it's interesting to watch.

I look over at him and see him suddenly and clearly.  You know when you have a moment when everything stops and you really see someone???  It was one of those moments.  I suddenly see that he is aging, yes my boy is showing signs of health issues, heart attack and diabetes is taking its toll and my heart skips a beat and slows right down  -  I stop hearing what he is saying and I just see the lines on his face, the scars from the wounds on his face from the meds that he is taking.  WOW, I think how could this be?  This does not make me feel angry, worried or upset in any way.  This was truly a spiritual moment of stillness, love, acceptance.  I think maybe a God moment.

He will always be my beautiful boy (well my two other boys are beautiful too, after all, they are my sons).  But his face is the face of innocence.  Divinely created as we all are, but he has the precious face of innocence, lacking in judgment, self-pity, jealousy, victimhood, martyrdom.  These are all traits that almost all of us have.  He is for the most part completely free of these.  I see that in this precious moment.  

And then the barber calls him and life moves on.  But I thought I would share this moment with you because it had a huge impact on me and I don't want to forget it.

Grateful for this and many other moments with my precious son.  And now I am off to answer his 10th call of the day.  Likely just wants to say "goodnight my beautiful mom".

What are you grateful for??

PJ's and Fire Trucks

Its Colin's birthday on July 10th.  This year was his 45th birthday.  It was also a Monday.  I golf on Monday evenings in a lady's league.  It's a lot of fun and I don't miss my opportunities to golf.

In order to celebrate Colin's birthday, we invited him to join us at our Condo's Stampede BBQ the day before.  Most of the residents in our condo are seniors and most are well over 70 years of age. They made a little bit of a fuss over him and he loved it.

On Monday, the day of his birthday; I received several phone calls from him.  Its not unusual.  But at 2:30 pm; he called and he and his dad worked out the details regarding the fact that they were going to meet for supper without me to celebrate Colin's birthday.

When they finished, Dennis, Colin's Dad, handed the phone back to me and I am: ok Colin NOW what???  Its only the 7th or 8th call today so I am half listening.  But what he said caught my attention.  

Colin:

"Mom, there is smoke coming from the upstairs and the fire alarms are going off".

Me:  (and I am screaming)
"What, where are you?"

Colin:
"In my basement suite."

Me:  (I am still screaming)
"Get outside, get out, go into the back yard, right now, hurry up!!!"

Colin:
"But Mom, I am still in my pyjamas!!!"  (PLEASE stop laughing)

Me:
"Colin, it does NOT matter, get outside now!!!"

Colin:
"OK"

In the meantime, I am dialling 911 on my land line as well as texting his supportive roommate.  911 agrees to send a firetruck and the roommate is on her way home.  The firemen arrive before the roommate does and they do what they do best  -  break down the front door as there is obvious smoke billowing from the house and they deal with the source of the smoke.   

I kept Colin on the phone with me the entire time so that I could ensure that he was safe at all times.   I instructed him to get to the driveway; which he did; so that the firemen could know that he was there and that he was ok.  In fact when the firemen got there we tried to give them the code to the garage door so that they would not have to break the door down, but they did not have time for that.

The smoke damage to the upstairs is extensive.  Major smoke damage actually.  Thankfully Colin called me and we were able to prevent any further damage.  Thankfully, Colin's suite did receive only minor smoke damage, but not much.

We are so grateful that Colin is OK.  Grateful that Colin LISTENS to me sometimes!!!  

We are grateful to the Calgary Fire Department.  They were quick and efficient.

Colin's roommates Ken and Linda are devastated.  Their entire house has to be cleaned, dry cleaned, painted, washed, EVERYTHING in their house had to be removed.  Its three weeks since this happened and they are still not fully recovered.

This event confirms for me that Colin is very independent and capable in many respects, but the fact that he called me rather than 911 directly; worries me.  I believe that if I had not been available, he would have taken some action and gotten himself out of the house and finally asked for help, but precious minutes would have gone by without action from him.

Hopefully there is never a "next time", but if there is, perhaps Colin will do the right thing even if he is in his pyjamas!!!

S U R R E N D E R

Today in the middle of the day - when I had an uneventful day - very quiet and I even had a nap kind of day - I broke down in tears and suddenly realized that I wanted someone to take care of me. I realized that I am tired.

Its been a 3-month run of medical appointments, doctor's appointments, telephone conversations, appointments with home care, late night calls with home care. Not to mention filling out the necessary paper work. More runs to the hospital with Colin because of a wound on his forehead which won't stop bleeding. He is on blood thinners so this is not uncommon. His out-of-control diabetes produces skin issues. Then having him freakout in the middle of the hospital “Rainman” style because he was suddenly afraid that they might admit him again.

Late night negotiations with Home Care (the visiting LPN's) to knock on the door one more time please. Colin has a habit of falling asleep in front of the TV and sometimes does not respond, or worst - he has “decided” that he does not want to co-operate with that particular LPN - “she's mean Mom”!!!

Booking dental appointments - ensuring that they have the latest list of medications/prescriptions. Special O needs that list also. So does Indefinite Arts. As does C.A.S.S.

Are you tired yet???

At 44 years of age on January 11^th, Colin had a heart attack. We found out during his hospital stay that he in fact has 7 blockages in his heart and it truly is a miracle that he survived. To complicate this; Colin was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes about 7 years ago. A stent was installed but open heart surgery is not an option because his type 2 diabetes was out of control. We are doing everything we can to ensure that his diabetes settles down.

Are you worried yet???

Dignity for Colin has always been our primary goal. Not monitoring his eating habits and his lifestyle choices may have resulted in the situation that we are in now. But he is fiercely independent. Now his lifestyle is being closely monitored by myself and by his supportive roommates. He is now on insulin once a day, which he can administer himself but he needs to be supervised by home care so that we can ensure that he is in fact taking this medication. This is not going well as his fierce independence rears its ugly head and insists that he knows how to do this!!!

Colin's emotional maturity is at about 12 – 13 years of age - what would you do with your 12-13 year old??? What decisions would you make?? His health and welfare are taking a back seat to his dignity - but should it?? What is most important???

I am tired - I am doing everything in my power to “take care of myself”. To balance this out with my personal interests and needs. But sometimes - it just becomes overwhelming and I just want someone else to do this and I want someone to just take care of me!!! I am making sure that I go for a massage, haircut, a new yoga class, pedicure, naps in the afternoon, coffee and phone calls with my good friends and family. I am NOT eating well, but I will get on with that. I am so grateful for the amazing support I have surrounded myself with.

Because, in fact, I have been doing this for 44 years. I have been Colin's MOM for better than 44 years now. He is a gift; a blessing - I can't say that enough. He has definitely made me grow up and he also keeps me young!!!

The only thing left to do is to Surrender - to the God of my understanding - as long as I do this - I am not alone - I am walking hand in hand with my Higher Power. Just for today God, could you go to the next meeting with Home Care??? Of course You will, You will be right there with me - I simply have to surrender and You will be there.

Thanks for listening.

Colliding Emotions

I wrote this in September 2016; just before we moved Colin to his new home:

Emotions are colliding this morning!!!  I am both very happy and very sad!!!

Colin and I met with Ken and Linda last night  -  they are going to be his new room-mates.  They actually are taking Colin into their home and have set up the basement so that he can live with them in the basement of their home.

Its a beautiful home with a walk out basement and lots of big beautiful windows, it does not even feel like a basement.  The back yard backs onto a park and the river runs through this park.  There are lots of trees and it truly is a beautiful spot.

Ken and Linda's motives are truly in the right place and it really is like a dream come true for our family.  They have really good professional credentials and are perfectly suited to do this kind of work.

So what is the emotion?  -  dagnabit!!!  I should be just fine with all of this right??  

It's really about another grief in my life.  Colin's life as he knows it will be changing dramatically.  He will be losing some of his independence.  He will need to learn to live with others as he has been on his own for over 20 years.

The reason for the decision to move him is because Colin is a diabetic.  For the most part, ever since he was diagnosed about seven years ago; Colin has managed his meds  -  but for some reason over the last couple of years he has been very undisciplined in this regard.  (That is a polite way to say that he has been irresponsible).  This is a tragedy because now his blood work indicates big problems. He needs help to manage his meds.

It means he has to change his way of life.  Now that he has seen his new home and met his "room-mates" he is quite happy and excited about this new adventure in life.

I need to be open, flexible and accepting and embrace this new change in our lives.

A MOTHER'S DAY ANGEL

Something happened to me on Mother's Day that I think is worth sharing.

Colin LOVES special events like Mother's Day so there is no doubt he will be hanging out with me on Mother's Day.  

Its my birthday just days before Mother's Day and so on the Sunday before he said "Mom, I want to take you somewhere for your birthday"  -  which makes me grin from ear to ear....  because I know that I will be paying for this special lunch....  but he still thinks he is "taking me for lunch".  

I let him "take me for lunch"  -  he loved every minute and so did I.  A hamburger joint with tons of fries  -  you know the one.  It was a lot of fun.

My other two boys also treat me really well for this special time of year.  They don't "take me for lunch"  -  they have families of their own and that is really good.  They always have special gifts for me and they are sure to call and wish me a Happy Birthday and Happy Mother's Day.  They are a delight.  And this year I got a video from each of the 6 and 4 year old grand-sons  -  pure joy.  My life is blessed.

I am truly grateful.

On Mother's Day this year, Dennis, my hubby had to work from 11:00 - 4:00 pm which left Colin and I to spend the day taking care of errands.  We managed to go to the off-leash area to take Max our dog for a run.  We both really enjoyed this.  Then we stopped at Sheldon and Jennifer's for a quick visit and to be presented with a wonderful gift.  

After that we needed to put Colin's grocery list together  -  which is a bit of a stretch.  He has to be "encouraged" through this process.  Lets just say that I am tired by the time we get through this. Then its off to the Co-Op where lots of people know us because that is what we do every Sunday!!!   I was feeling a little sorry for myself.  Boo hoo  -  Mother's Day and I am grocery shopping!!!  ::))  There is a lot of dialogue between Colin and I.  I have my calculator to ensure that we stay within his budget.  We got through and got a lot of good bargains.  It was a successful shopping trip.  I am tired.  I need to drive through traffic and make sure to get Colin home so that he can unpack his groceries and make his supper.  Then I have to drive back home.  Boo hoo!!!

After finishing at the till, Colin had to go down the hall before we left the store, so I was standing there waiting for him.  An attractive middle aged lady came up to me and said:

"Hey, I just wanted to tell you that you two look really good together   -  he is so cute and you are both dressed so nicely.  Happy Mother's Day!!!"  

And she gave me a big smile. She walked away really quickly leaving the store.....  almost like she disappeared.  I think she might have been an angel.  I think she was reminding me that I am an angel  -  that I am doing angel's work.  Its hard for me to acknowledge....  but there you go, I said it.

That lady gave me a wonderful gift  -  it almost made me cry  -  it shifted my self-pity to gratitude.  

Sometimes we go through our days believing that no one really notices   -  but there are angels among us  (one of my favorite songs).  Thank you to the lady in the Co-Op store who noticed and made the decision to acknowledge and appreciate.  There are so many angels out there.....  are you one??  How do you acknowledge yourself???  Do you acknowledge other angels???  It could change someone's day.  It changed mine.

BROTHERS AND BIRTHDAYS

It's Derek's birthday today!!!  Happy Birthday to my youngest son!!!  For days leading up to this; Colin talks about how its Derek's birthday coming up.  Colin does not need a reminder.  He knows birth dates and anniversaries for everyone!!!  You could say he is almost obsessive about it.  A good obsession to have in my opinion.  He reminds me constantly.

He said that he would call his brother Derek for his birthday.   Of course he did.

Colin absolutely loves his brothers.  If he could; I know that he would find the most expensive and finest gift in the world for them. 

He adores them, idolizes them.  He is never jealous of their success.  He simply trusts them completely.  He does not say a bad word about them ever.  He notices everything about them.  What they wear, what they like to do, what they like to eat, what they like to drink!!!  He listens very carefully to them.  He observes everything about each of them.  He knows what kind of cars they drive.  He loves it when they take him for a drive.   He remembers everything.

Colin knows that he will never drive; and he is ok with that.  He knows that he will likely never marry. He has accepted that.  He knows that he will never have a house of his own and he is ok with that.  But he loves that his brothers have all this success in their lives.  He is very proud of his brothers.  

His brothers love him too, there is no doubt about that.  They have accepted him also.

How blessed - how completely blessed am I?  What more could a mother ask of her children??

My cup runneth over and I am so grateful.

ULTRA-SOUNDS AND X-RAYS

So Colin finally agreed to go have an ultra-sound and an x-ray at 8:00 am today.  He agreed to meet me at the clinic.  He was there right on time.  Colin is NEVER late.  He is actually pretty obsessive about this.....  that's another story for another blog  ::))

The Doctor had ordered these back in October at Colin's annual checkup; we are nearing the end of January.  This is way overdue.

Colin and I have this see - saw relationship going on with things like this.  He likes to assert his independence, this was one of those times.  "Stop treating me like a kid, Mom"  He says.  I roll my eyes and step back.  I have to allow him his dignity and respect his wishes.  When it comes to medical issues....  that is a huge step back for me.  By the second week in January, I simply started to threaten as only a mom can.  I promised to intervene and make this happen if he did not work with his worker and book these appointments.  He continued to avoid getting this done, so true to my promise I intervened.  I emailed his worker and pleaded with her to get this done.  I might have even threatened, just a little!!!

Finally the appointment was made and I needed to take him to this appointment.  None of the support workers were available to take him.   Colin and I got in right away and I was going to let him go on his own.  He insisted that I come with him.  Finally I understood the issue.  Colin had never had an ultra-sound before.  He was worried about this "procedure" but he did not know how to articulate this.  So I got to join him and sit on the chair in the room while the technician did the ultra-sound on his torso.   I could see all the images, luckily, I don't know how to read the images, and I understood that it was important not to ask questions of the technician as she can't respond to any questions I might have.  I have to say that I found it very interesting but very worrisome.  I know not to express any anxieties that I might have.  Sometimes I am smart like that.  LOL.

I suddenly look at Colin and realized that he was sound asleep.  His belly was covered with that gel and the technician was doing her job, occasionally asking him to "take a deep breath and hold it", which he would do and then go right back to sleep.  It was everything I could do to stop myself from laughing.  It was hilarious, but I did not dare laugh.   How many of us would be able to do this???  Total trust and relaxation.

As we were driving away from the appointment, I casually asked him if he had fallen asleep, to which he replied "NO, Mom!!!"  Oh really Colin???  And he burst out laughing, knowing full well that I knew.  "I was just resting my eyes Mom"  and another big laugh. 

Then he shared with me that he coughed up some blood this morning.  I remained calm (not sure where that calm comes from  ::))  and asked him why that would happen??  He said he did not know.  And we simply did not talk about this anymore.  

I have to treasure every moment, every opportunity to laugh and to love and to accept him.  To think that those moments might not always be there is not a thought that I keep in mind.  I need to stay in the moment and appreciate the NOW.  Which is amazing!!  Thank you God for NOW.

WHAT??? Me worry???

Colin is diabetic, type II, diagnosed just a few years ago.  If not managed properly, its a life threatening disease.  I have learned a lot about this since his diagnosis.  He also has high blood pressure and high cholesterol.  A gift from the genetics on my side of the family.

His ability, functioning level is that of a 12 - 13 year old level.  He is certainly emotionally arrested at that age.  He knows it all.  Its very difficult to reason with him.  His medication is dispensed in bubble packs so that he can manage it a little better.  But when his dad and I visit his place we can see from the bubble pack that he is very inconsistent with taking this meds.  But I try not to worry.

The weather this winter so far has been dangerous to say the least, especially for a guy who walks and takes public transit everywhere.  We have had temperatures dipping down to - 30 and lower with bone chilling wind.  Exposed skin can freeze in minutes. Colin's dress code is that of a lawyer....  he wears a suit every day with shirt and tie.  He also wears the overcoat which is acceptable.  What is not acceptable is that he never wears anything on his head, does not wrap his neck and face with a scarf.  And he wears dress shoes which are very slippery and do not keep his feet warm enough.  He has fallen several times.  But I try not to worry.

He gets a grocery card to buy groceries once a week.  The reason for that is that he will spend the entire amount wether it is for one week or for one month.  He does not understand the concept of planning ahead.  What he does understand is living in the moment which is admirable.  And I could learn from that.  However,  he refuses any suggestions and guidance from me or from anyone in this regard.  He is fiercely independent.  The result is that he purchases his own groceries and often purchases high end items and its just very inappropriate.  But I try not to worry.

Sometimes, when Colin comes to our house for his weekly visit, he is in a very foul mood.  There is only one person that he takes his frustration out on and that is me.  I try really hard to let go and not react to his "abusive" language and behavior, but it is very trying at times and painful.  I am often in my bedroom with a few tears before I dust myself off and come back to deal with life with Colin.  He can have these "outbursts" and in the next moment is back to himself.  He might apologize and offer to give me a hug and goes on with life as though nothing happened.  But I try not to worry.

I know that he has a God who takes care of him.  And that this God is a better babysitter than I am.  God does have all the answers and I do turn to Him with this belief and offer to put Colin in His hands for Him to care for.  I do know this with all my heart.  I have moments of complete worry and despair when I think of the vulnerability of my Colin at times.  But I try not to worry.

I thank God every day for the amazing support system that I have been blessed with.  My amazing friends and family allow me to rant and cry but they don't allow me to stay in my self-pity.  They encourage me and love me back into loving myself enough so that I can carry on and try not to worry.  Simple, but not easy.

IT'S JUST A SORE THROAT

The other day, Colin came into my office.  It was a Wednesday, he always comes to my office on Wednesdays because that is the day he gets his spending money.  We have a few minutes to laugh and giggle and usually, he happily goes off to spend his money.

This Wednesday morning, Colin was not laughing and giggling.  He was pretty sick I could see that right away.  I work really hard at not over-reacting.  In fact, I have to work really hard at not reacting at all.  So I quietly said:  "What's going on Colin??  to which he responded:  "I'm sick, Mom".  Its something he rarely admits to me.  He is not a complainer.

He went on to say that he had a sore throat.  It was a croaky voice that came out.  Hmmmm, so I asked him if he wanted to go to the hospital??  Nope.  I asked if he wanted to go see our family doctor??  Nope, Mom, its just a sore throat.  That stopped me.  "Well, what's going on Colin?" I asked.  He admitted then that the jacket that he had on was not warm enough.

That was a huge admission.  We had just bought him that jacket under great duress.  We had a terrible argument in the middle of our favorite store.  I had asked him to go pick out a new winter coat.  He absolutely needed a new winter coat.  Colin has great fashion sense and great ideas about how he should look, not really concerned about APPROPRIATE attire for weather conditions.  I usually win out with the common sense, but sometimes, I am too tired to fight, and sometimes I just simply have to LET GO!!!  

A hard lesson for him and heartbreaking for me.  Colin does not always learn from consequences.   His brain simply does not always work that way.  This time I believe he learned something.

I gave him some money and told him to go find a BIG, WARM winter coat.  He phoned me later to confirm that he had chosen something much better.  Thank you God.  Your Will  -  not mine!!!

There are so many things that I have had to LET GO of.  Sooooo many.  I have learned much about myself and so much about Colin.

But I am still on the journey.  And so is he.

I don't think I will ever really have all the answers.  I know that I am always willing.  I know that I remain teachable.  But is that enough??

I don't want to be a "martyr" and I don't want to be a "victim".  I don't want to be full of self-pity.  Sometimes, I have to be there in order to climb out of that "rut" and to realize that I have done well.  I choose to appreciate and acknowledge that I have done a good job of balancing letting go with stepping in and changing something.  Otherwise, I will not be able to accept the guilt.  The guilt is simply another "rut".  I want to live in the gratitude that I have Colin to teach me great LOVE and acceptance.  I might not learn the lesson any other way.

Simple but not easy.  

SHE'S NOT MY GIRLFRIEND, Mom

Colin met Brenda many years before they became "friends".  They met at In-Definite Arts.  A magical place where artists come together to learn a great variety of mediums to express themselves.  If you are ever interested in donating to a worthy cause, they would accept your generosity.  http://www.indefinitearts.com/index.php

The artists learn how to paint, draw, use ceramics, fibers, etc.  

Their vision:  "Artists with developmental disabilities and their art are valued and celebrated in the community."

I did say its a magical place.  Colin loves it there. He is there every Monday and Wednesday afternoons.  Its very comfortable and he has many friends there.  Colin has been going to In-Definite Arts since 1990, about 23 years now.  Brenda was there all along.

About 12 years ago Colin told me about Brenda.  I remember the day clearly.  Its an event that will forever stay clearly in my mind.  Its best that I document it though, because I am never certain how long these "events" will stay in my mind.  ::))

We were sitting in the dining room at the table with my Mom, who was visiting from Saskatchewan.  It was in the Fall, just around Thanksgiving (Canadian Thanksgiving).  Colin began the conversation with the announcement that a "girl" gave him her phone number.

Oh really, Colin??  That's nice  -  was it a girl from work??  I was thinking that someone at his work was being kind and ensuring that if he ever needed a ride to work he might be able to give her a call.  Mothers are so naive.   I still am.

Nope, not from work.  Well, then, where is this girl from Colin??  She is from In-Definite Arts, Mom.

Oh In-Definite Arts?  What's her name then Colin??

Her name is BRENDA!!!  Oh, wow, Colin, that's nice.

Now, I am still in my naive state  -  I am not thinking that this could be anything but a casual friend.  I was not ready for the next comment.

Oh, Colin how old is Brenda?  He tells me that she is just a couple of years younger than I am.  Now THAT is interesting.

So Colin, what does Brenda look like??  Mom, she is cuter than you!!!  And he roars with his big huge laugh from the bottom of his toes.....  HAHAHAHA Mom!!!!  And then I knew  -  she was something special.

And she is.  Brenda has been part of our family ever since and Colin is part of her family.  They are extraordinary people with our Colin.  They include him in all their family gatherings.  Colin and Brenda have an extraordinary relationship.  What a gift this is.  She is definitely cuter than me!!!  They make a fine a looking pair!!!

They talk on the phone for hours.  I would love to be a little fly on the wall sometimes to hear part of their conversation, but no, I would rather stay naive.  When they are together, they are never far apart.

But I am NEVER to refer to Brenda as his GIRLFRIEND  -  she is just his "friend".  If you saw them together  -  you would know the truth. Its perfect just the way it is.

WHY NOT ME

I often get asked why I decided to have more children after Colin was born.  Colin is our oldest child.   I became pregnant with Sheldon our second son, because we wanted to.  It did not even occur to me  that our second child could be anything less than perfect.

And then I felt the same way about getting pregnant with our third son Derek.  

Some people say that this took a lot of courage.  It never occurred to me for a moment.  I just knew that we wanted more children.  

Possibly, I did not know what I was "signing up" for.

I did not know that I would never have a full night's sleep again.  Colin was always up at 6 - 6:30 am.  And night time routines were like walking on egg shells.  If the door bell rang after his bed-time, he was up for hours afterwards.  If the phone rang after he fell asleep  -  he was also up for hours.  And one would hope that he would sleep in the next morning because now he has had less sleep so he SHOULD be sleeping in.  NOT a chance, but I never gave up trying.  If he had food with sugar or color (jello) or foods with high dosages of preservatives, he was wired and anything could set him off.  Sleep was out of the question.  I walked around sleep deprived for many many years.  Never had trouble losing weight then.  Haha!!!

Did not know that.

It took me a long time to figure out that if we turned on some classical music, that would help to get him to sleep.  I am not sure how I came across that, and truly when you think about it....  it makes perfect sense.  It is relaxing and sacred  -  I still love classical music. 

I did not know that Colin would bite his baby brother so hard, he almost drew blood.  I did not know that.  Colin also pushed his baby brother down the steps while Sheldon was in his walker straight down the basement steps.  Sheldon was winded but clearly survived un-damaged.  I did not know that.

We washed floors on our hands and knees then  (don't worry, I rarely do that now).  But in order to do this job un-interrupted by Colin, I pushed our little china cabinet across the doorway so that I could keep him in the other room while I washed the kitchen floor.  Well, he sure did not like that, so he pushed really hard on that little china cabinet and yes, you're right, he pushed it right over.  I still can hardly believe that he did that.  Lost a lot of my wedding presents that day.  I was a yeller and screamer then, so you can imagine the yelling and screaming that went on that day.  He spent a lot of time in his crib after that little event.

I did not know that.

It was easy potty training Sheldon and Derek, but the potty training went on and on with Colin long after my two other boys were potty trained.

There were many times when I cried why me???  Why me??  What did I do to deserve this??  I thought I was being punished.  The self-pity was overwhelming at times.  I did not know that I was given a gift.  Colin is a gift and so are my two other precious boys.  I would not have had it any other way.  In fact, I give thanks everyday for my children.  When I become grateful the self-pity washes away.  This was and is God's precious plan.

I did not know that.

The courage was not in deciding to have other children.  The courage was and is in living my life to the fullest and to say why not me???  Blessings are mine to celebrate and embrace.  I have been richly blessed.  Why not me???

PLAY ON WORDS

Colin has a real collection of words that only he uses  -  we find them very interesting sometimes fascinating:

1. He often get migraine headaches  -  He calls them mind grains!!!
2. He loves to give our dog Max a massage on his paws  -  Colin calls them palms!!!
3. Its more better
4. He says  -  My remembory helps me to remember all the birthdays, anniversaries and special dates in our family.
5. He says novie instead of movie.  Maybe it is a new vie??
6. He calls potatoes  -  play doughs instead.  And if we correct him as we often do, because we are his "teachers", he will say poo taay toooe, stretching the word right out.  He can say it correctly.
7. He says veedeevee for DVD  -  and when I correct him, he says that's what I said, Mom!!!

In his early life as a child, he did have countless hours of speech therapy and bless those therapists as he was one tough cookie to deal with.  Lots of melt downs and those therapists were special and amazing.  He benefited from those classes humongously (did I just invent a word??)  BUT Colin has a mind of his own.  He certainly understands the words, he just can't make them come out of his mouth correctly.  He takes great offense to being corrected and I certainly can understand that.

We are always trying to make him as self-sufficient as possible.  Language skills can be a barrier to getting the help he needs sometimes.  In my quest to let him GO  -  I must remind myself that Colin has a Higher Power and I am not it!!!

I HAVE A LIFE

With the many challenges of having a "special needs" son like Colin, somewhere along the journey, I promised myself that I would have a life of my own.

It is a continuous struggle; its ongoing and at the core of this decision is one of self love.  Simple but not easy.  Some of you will laugh when you hear me say this, because I use this all the time.

The other day, I was feeling kind of blue, down in the dumps and I tried to phone some of my good friends; they were unavailable.  I talked to my Higher Power for a while (the God of my understanding)....  and then of course He gave me the message  -  BE GRATEFUL,  He said.  Ok then, I said; and I took out my pen and paper and started to make a list of the friends I have.  Not just friends, the kind of friends that I would; without hesitation; completely trust with my heart.  We are talking girl friends, not sisters, or cousins, because I also have some amazing family members.  Girl friends.  The list came very quickly and the list numbered 25.  Twenty five close female friends.

How have I come to develop so many good loving relationships??   By having a life.  By having a God in my life.

I believe Colin taught me how to grow up.  I believe Colin taught me to love unconditionally.  I believe Colin taught me patience.  I believe Colin taught me to be of service to others.  I believe Colin taught me that in order to be of service to others, I needed to be of service to me first.  Just as the airlines tell us to put that oxygen mask on ourselves FIRST; if there is a problem on the flight.  Then we can help others around us if necessary.

I make it a priority to take good care of myself.  I golf with some delicious and fun friends.  Dennis and I go to movies.  We go on holidays.  We visit our family.  We visit our friends.  We include our children and especially our grandchildren in our lives.  I go to coffee with my friends, meet them for dinner, go for long walks.  I try to make myself available on the phone for those important chats.

I take care of myself physically.  Attend my dental appointments, I attend my annual medical check ups.  I go to yoga classes.  I go to acupuncture and a chiropractor and wonderful Thai massages.  Take my dog for walks.  

I love the silence of the early mornings for prayer and meditation.  I take the time to pray and meditate.  I have created my quiet place.  I surround myself with people who are winning in life.  People who love, support and encourage me.  People who challenge me.  People who insist on transparency and honesty.  Really???  yes, really!!!

Colin has also taught me to say no.  I have had to say no to him.  He made me do it.  He can be very needy, manipulative and childishly demanding sometimes and in order for him to be fully independent, I have chosen to say no.  I choose to LET GO OF COLIN and say NO!!  Its a complete sentence.  It has made him react very negatively sometimes as you can imagine, but in the end; very good growth for both of us comes of this little word  -  NO!!!  My Higher Power is a great babysitter, better than I am that is for certain.  I have to visualize placing Colin in the palm of my God's hands sometimes and simply walk away.

I have a life, Colin;  and sometimes you simply have to wait or figure it out for yourself.   My self love is calling and I have to answer that call first.  Simple but not easy.

SPECIAL OLYMPICS - REGISTRATION DAY

Colin has been bowling with Calgary Special Olympics for about 24 years now. He loves this. He loves the coaches, sincerely loves the coaches, and he loves all the participants, well some of them he just ignores, but for the most part, I would say the Saturday activity is the highlight of the week.

The annual registration package arrives in the mail about 8 weeks before. Lots of forms to fill out. I cringe at having to fill them all out and I complain about yet again we have to do this in such an archaic way!! Standing in line for hours for a simple check mark on the application form; then another line-up for payment. ugh!!!

Registration day is mentioned almost every day from the day he receives the package. Don't forget Mom. September 4^th, Mom at 7:00 pm, Mom!!! Don't forget. Colin calls me at least once every day and every day he makes sure to mention this. God certainly wanted me to develop patience. I really still need to learn to grin and accept, and to just love him back. Its simple but not always easy.

The day finally has arrived. Colin meets me after work around 4:00 pm and we drive up to the NE part of the city so that we are in close proximity to the venue where registration takes place. We need to be sure we avoid traffic. A great anxiety attack would take place if we were late!!! Getting there later than 6:00 pm would be late. So we go have some supper. I try to make it a positive event for both Colin and I because this is my dreaded event of the year. My whole evening is taken up with this event. So supper at Sunridge Mall where he chooses the food court - Lebanese food. Colin, I ask, why do you want this food?? Because!!! Ok, Have you ever had it before?? NO, but that's what I want.... OK then, we both order a plate. He loves his but is not as hungry as he thought and I wolf all of mine down, it was delicious. Thanks for the idea Colin!!!

We make our way over to the registration venue; we have to park in a separate parking lot as there is already a line-up. We are there by 5:45 pm. It is really hot and we are standing outside waiting for the doors to open. Some very thoughtful people are handing out ice cold bottles of water. THANK YOU!!!

The atmosphere is truly loving. You can't miss it; Colin knows so many people!!! He is friendly and happy - He is usually quite reserved but in this environment he begins very slowly by grinning from ear to ear as only he can. Soon, he is shaking hands with people who are coming to him with hands extended..... HI, COLIN BUDDY!!! complete acceptance and genuine caring!!! This is the boy who used to hide behind me rather than return the greeting.  It continues for two hours, seriously - it takes two hours to get through this.

The doors finally open; it is hot in the building and crowded and noisy and I am wishing this is over when Colin looks at me and says: “Mom, its ok, its almost over” and I suddenly realize, I am here, in the moment, I need to appreciate this moment.... and then I see all of it. The people here are completely at ease with who they are. They accept each other and themselves.  

I met a young girl standing in front of us who was really chatty.... her name is: Joanne, but she prefers to be called JJ. She is a very high functiioning Down Syndrome girl and is here on her own. 25 years of age and such a sweet girl. There is a young Down Syndrome boy accross the way from us who is obviously interested in her and she is doing her best to ignore him, complete with the eyes rolling.  I love it!!!

Colin notices everything and everyone. He does not miss a thing. He is pointing people out to me and people are often pointing him out and grinning. He is truly enjoying this and I just need to stay in the moment. Soon we are at the registration desk amd we are greeted like family. It truly is a part of Colin's family. He is home here!!! People love him here, accept him here. That is very comforting to me. I am so grateful. 

The volunteers are amazing individuals who freely give of their time and energy.  Its simply amazing.  There are also other parents there.  Some of these parents are quite a bit older than I and it makes me wonder how brave they are!!  How courageous and how dedicated.  Do I see that in myself?  I think I am just Colin's Mom and I am grateful. 

Registration is complete for another year. There are promises of updating this process with on-line registration - please lets do that!!! 

But then we would miss this event!! In a way that would be sad.