Well that title might tell you that I am somewhat confident in that statement. Which I am. After Colin was born, it is needless to say that I was overwhelmed with feelings, emotions I was not aware I was capable of. As Colin grew and developed so did those emotions and feelings. As I mentioned before, Colin was very tiny at birth and he spent the first ten days in an incubator. He was allowed to come home with us about 10 days later. He basically spent the first three weeks of his life in the hospital.
All the doctors and nurses assured me that he would be fine; he was tiny, but that he would catch up and not to worry. I really wanted to believe them, but I do have 7 younger brothers and sisters. I had been around babies and I knew what they did and how they developed. My self-esteem was not exactly on top of the world, thus I let the "authorities" decide how I should feel about Colin's development.
When he was finally diagnosed as having been brain damaged at birth, it was almost a relief and an affirmation of what I had believed all along. My intuitiveness was pushed way down then and I did not trust myself at all. Gradually, the intense feeling of guilt started to creep in.
"What did I do?" "Maybe I should have taken Colin to a different Doctor sooner."
"What could I have done differently?"
"What if I had not smoked during my pregnancy?" (of course in THOSE days there was very limited information about what happens to babies when Moms smoke and drink). I drank and smoked during my pregnancy. I beat myself mercilessly with this one.
And when memories of the delivery came along - I agonized over all the details, wondering if there was something that I did wrong. I played these tapes over and over in my head.
I heard a good speaker years ago who said that Hallmark should have a card that states "Guilt" on the outside of the card and on the inside "The Gift That Keeps On Giving". Its kind of a humorous comment on a very negative topic. Guilt actually does not give but it certainly keeps on taking. Its a huge shadow that sucks the energy out of love. It is cunning and baffling and powerful!!! It takes away all possibility of self-love. It gave me permission to wallow in self-pity and to remain feeling like a victim and a martyr. Many times I felt I was being punished. How could I have a healthy relationship with anyone when I could not let God into my life??
The best thing I did to overcome this guilt was to do the "WORK" of looking at myself and looking at my life. It is in forgiving my parents for the perceived "wrongs" that were done to me while I was growing up that I found forgiveness for myself. This was powerful and very gradual. The effect has been magnificent and freeing. It helped me allow a God of my understanding back into my life.
I believe today that I would have missed all of this if I had not been given the gift of our son Colin. Gratitude had replaced the guilt. I am a work in progress however, because this is an on-going process. Progress NOT perfection is what I always say. Bless my beautiful son Colin!!!
