MOMMA BEAR

When Colin was about 8 years of age, he attended a midstream school here in Calgary.  It was a special education class, but in a "regular" school in the Separate School System.  (A Catholic based school).

Now Colin was a handful  -  very active and very unpredictable.  He was incontinent.  For all the time that he had been in Special Ed classes; we had been blessed with angels for teachers.  It truly was wonderful.  I cannot imagine working with a classroom of these children, but these women were wonderful and so were the assistants. 

I knew that he could be very disruptive and throw tantrums and have melt-downs.  Very difficult to handle.  But he could melt your heart and resolve in a second with his huge smile.  I still don't know what we could have done differently so that he might have been easier to be with.  Oh but the guilt!!!

If you ever have watched the movie "Rainman"  -  the scene where "Rainman" has a meltdown in the airport just before boarding the plane....  THAT is what Colin was capable of doing as a child....several times in a day;  and he can still do that today (but not several times in a day).

When he was 8, we ran into "the bad one"  -  we were bound to find one teacher who just did not get it.  I was in the habit of talking with the teacher almost on a daily basis....  it was the Momma Bear in me.  This teacher started to share with me that she found it "funny" how easy it was to "taunt him",  -  REALLY??  Seriously???  

I listened very carefully after that because I did not want to jump to conclusions.  Shortly following this conversation, she pointed out that she was going to spank him "if he did not shape up".  I quickly took that up with the principal....  same story!!!  All right then, you have messed with the wrong Momma Bear.

I started to call every single School Board Member at the Calgary Catholic School Board and every single one of them gave me their mailing addresses.  

Every School Board Member received a letter.

Every School Board Member received a phone call from me to confirm that they had received my letter.

Within a couple of weeks - maybe a month, that teacher was terminated.

I share this because this is part of what having Colin did for me.  It made me reach down and become who I did not know I could be.  He made me grow up.


I was terrified of calling those board members, but I was determined to make some changes for my son.  How dare you believe that it would be ok to use a spanking to change this child's behavior.  For those of you who have special needs children, rise up and fight for what your heart is telling you.  Each of us has leadership skills and we can do what is the best for our children.  We as parents KNOW.  Sometimes, we simply need to use our grief and our anger and harness them in a positive direction.


Our special needs children need to be in society to learn how to survive and lead happy independent lives.  They need to be in a supportive, loving environment in order to achieve this.


We need to be the best advocates ever for our children.  With God on our side (and He always is) we can be AMAZING advocates!!!


Don't give up.  Don't give up the fight.  And Bless all the teachers out there who get it!!!

GUILT, SHAME AND GRIEF

Well, that does not sound like gratitude and acceptance.  These characteristics and feelings are very very real, when you have a special needs child.

I read somewhere today that "Grief is not a sign of weakness, its the price of love."

When one is blessed with a "special needs" child, the grief is on-going and never ending.  My heart was ripped to shreds when I could see that Colin's little cousins turned away from him when they became old enough to see that he was "different" or that his brothers' friends ignored him when they also saw that Colin was "different".  Occasionally, some of those little kids were really mean, bullies in today's terms.  Colin almost always ignored the taunts.

Inevitably thoughts turn to things like:  he will never graduate from high school, or attend university.  He will never get married, or have a family.  He will never drive a car.  He will never be fully independent. Reality, not denial but this does lead to grief. Very real grief and very painful. Sometimes this moves to self-pity and that is when I have to turn to gratitude.   It is in this grief and pain that I have grown and changed. Thank you God.

My father was a very domineering man. He decided everything - like it or lump it. He was also very caring and affectionate. He loved his family fiercely. He was also abusive in many ways by today's standards.

Many years ago, through the work that I did in my 12-step recovery program, I was faced with the need to make amends with my dad. A daunting task, but I was willing and I asked my God for the strength and courage and the opportunity. He did not disappoint me.  He never does.

One evening, the opportunity came for me to forgive my Dad and to tell him that I believed (and I really do still believe) that he did the best he could with the tools that he had.  My dad passed away very suddenly about six weeks later.  Don't wait to say you're sorry!!!

The magic of that excercise was freedom. Forgiveness frees the forgiver!!! I promise you. In forgiving my Dad - I forgave myself. It was a slow process. I needed to forgive myself for being less than a perfect parent and in doing so, I became a better parent. I was already a good parent, and I became a better parent. I was filled with more gratitude and when I have a grateful heart, I am more forgiving.... full circle. Magic!!! Colin was getting a better Mom - one that he deserved.

I was also relieved of the guilt and the shame..... but that is another story.

THE PHONE CALLS AND HIS LAUGH

Good morning my beautiful MOM  -  its 7:30 AM and he calls me every (yes every) morning.  Sometimes, its "good morning gorgeous" in a voice that is dripping with joy and happiness!!  You gotta ask yourself where does that come from??  Of course, we know where it comes from.  It comes from his heart and his heart is blessed with no stress, complete faith and complete acceptance.  No judgement and complete unconditional love  -  could I please have some of that  -  please??

Colin lives independently and in many respects, is very independent but he is still very attached to me in many ways.  We have let go of him and encourage as much independence as possible, but I still manage his finances  -  I am working on letting that go too.  He has a "standing" invitation to come to our house every Sunday and any other special family gathering.  But in between his visits  -  he certainly calls me and stays in touch with me.  Now he has a cell phone and it can be upwards of ten calls per day, somedays its more.  I have programmed my phone to remind me that it's "my angel" calling me.  Sometimes, when its the 10th call and I am going crazy with many other "things" in my little life  -  I sometimes answer the phone with "WHAT COLIN, now what do you want???"  To which he responds  "Oh Mom  -  I want to tell you something"!!!

He is usually calling to remind me about his laundry money, his bus pass, his grocery cards, and oh Mom, a little gossip like "I called Auntie Norma today and SHE said....."

He calls his two grandma's every every day.  They love it and so does he.  He keeps them both informed with all the details every day.  We could learn something from that also.

He is a detail person and if he met you today, he would remember all your details, the color of your hair / eyes / shoes / dress / slacks / jewelry.  He will remember what you said, and he will remind me, usually quizzing me to see if I remember.  I usually don't and he just laughs.  He has the best laugh  -  of course I love his laugh.   He throws his head back, mouth wide open and laughs a  big wide open laugh from the bottom of his socks.  We could all learn to laugh like Colin.  When was the last time that you had a laugh like that???

Well, he is a great guy, but at times I have to dig really deep to get to the gratitude and come up with more patience for that 10th phone call.  In the end of course its always worth it, because you never know when he's going to say "Hi my gorgeous Mom"  -  I would be willing to bet there are many Moms who would give their right arm to get just one call like that.  The reward is that, as I shared in an earlier blog, he made me grow up and now he is keeping me young....  but don't tell him that cuz he would just laugh.

I am blessed and so is he.  Thank you God!!!  Blessings to you, and Thank You!!!