Today
in the middle of the day - when I had an uneventful day - very
quiet and I even had a nap kind of day - I broke down in tears and
suddenly realized that I wanted someone to take care of me. I
realized that I am tired.
Its
been a 3-month run of medical appointments, doctor's appointments,
telephone conversations, appointments with home care, late night
calls with home care. Not to mention filling out the necessary paper
work. More runs to the hospital with Colin because of a wound on his
forehead which won't stop bleeding. He is on blood thinners so this
is not uncommon. His out-of-control diabetes produces skin issues.
Then having him freakout in the middle of the hospital “Rainman”
style because he was suddenly afraid that they might admit him again.
Late
night negotiations with Home Care (the visiting LPN's) to knock on
the door one more time please. Colin has a habit of falling asleep
in front of the TV and sometimes does not respond, or worst - he
has “decided” that he does not want to co-operate with that
particular LPN - “she's mean Mom”!!!
Booking
dental appointments - ensuring that they have the latest list of
medications/prescriptions. Special O needs that list also. So does
Indefinite Arts. As does C.A.S.S.
Are
you tired yet???
At
44 years of age on January 11th, Colin had a heart attack.
We found out during his hospital stay that he in fact has 7
blockages in his heart and it truly is a miracle that he survived.
To complicate this; Colin was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes about 7
years ago. A stent was installed but open heart surgery is not an
option because his type 2 diabetes was out of control. We are doing
everything we can to ensure that his diabetes settles down.
Are
you worried yet???
Dignity
for Colin has always been our primary goal. Not monitoring his
eating habits and his lifestyle choices may have resulted in the
situation that we are in now. But he is fiercely independent. Now
his lifestyle is being closely monitored by myself and by his
supportive roommates. He is now on insulin once a day, which he can
administer himself but he needs to be supervised by home care so that
we can ensure that he is in fact taking this medication. This is not
going well as his fierce independence rears its ugly head and insists
that he knows how to do this!!!
Colin's
emotional maturity is at about 12 – 13 years of age - what would
you do with your 12-13 year old??? What decisions would you make??
His health and welfare are taking a back seat to his dignity - but
should it?? What is most important???
I
am tired - I am doing everything in my power to “take care of
myself”. To balance this out with my personal interests and
needs. But sometimes - it just becomes overwhelming and I just
want someone else to do this and I want someone to just take care of
me!!! I am making sure that I go for a massage, haircut, a new yoga
class, pedicure, naps in the afternoon, coffee and phone calls with
my good friends and family. I am NOT eating well, but I will get on
with that. I am so grateful for the amazing support I have
surrounded myself with.
Because,
in fact, I have been doing this for 44 years. I have been Colin's
MOM for better than 44 years now. He is a gift; a blessing - I
can't say that enough. He has definitely made me grow up and he also
keeps me young!!!
The
only thing left to do is to Surrender - to the God of my
understanding - as long as I do this - I am not alone - I am
walking hand in hand with my Higher Power. Just for today God, could
you go to the next meeting with Home Care??? Of course You will, You
will be right there with me - I simply have to surrender and You
will be there.
Thanks
for listening.
