WHY NOT ME

I often get asked why I decided to have more children after Colin was born.  Colin is our oldest child.   I became pregnant with Sheldon our second son, because we wanted to.  It did not even occur to me  that our second child could be anything less than perfect.

And then I felt the same way about getting pregnant with our third son Derek.  

Some people say that this took a lot of courage.  It never occurred to me for a moment.  I just knew that we wanted more children.  

Possibly, I did not know what I was "signing up" for.

I did not know that I would never have a full night's sleep again.  Colin was always up at 6 - 6:30 am.  And night time routines were like walking on egg shells.  If the door bell rang after his bed-time, he was up for hours afterwards.  If the phone rang after he fell asleep  -  he was also up for hours.  And one would hope that he would sleep in the next morning because now he has had less sleep so he SHOULD be sleeping in.  NOT a chance, but I never gave up trying.  If he had food with sugar or color (jello) or foods with high dosages of preservatives, he was wired and anything could set him off.  Sleep was out of the question.  I walked around sleep deprived for many many years.  Never had trouble losing weight then.  Haha!!!

Did not know that.

It took me a long time to figure out that if we turned on some classical music, that would help to get him to sleep.  I am not sure how I came across that, and truly when you think about it....  it makes perfect sense.  It is relaxing and sacred  -  I still love classical music. 

I did not know that Colin would bite his baby brother so hard, he almost drew blood.  I did not know that.  Colin also pushed his baby brother down the steps while Sheldon was in his walker straight down the basement steps.  Sheldon was winded but clearly survived un-damaged.  I did not know that.

We washed floors on our hands and knees then  (don't worry, I rarely do that now).  But in order to do this job un-interrupted by Colin, I pushed our little china cabinet across the doorway so that I could keep him in the other room while I washed the kitchen floor.  Well, he sure did not like that, so he pushed really hard on that little china cabinet and yes, you're right, he pushed it right over.  I still can hardly believe that he did that.  Lost a lot of my wedding presents that day.  I was a yeller and screamer then, so you can imagine the yelling and screaming that went on that day.  He spent a lot of time in his crib after that little event.

I did not know that.

It was easy potty training Sheldon and Derek, but the potty training went on and on with Colin long after my two other boys were potty trained.

There were many times when I cried why me???  Why me??  What did I do to deserve this??  I thought I was being punished.  The self-pity was overwhelming at times.  I did not know that I was given a gift.  Colin is a gift and so are my two other precious boys.  I would not have had it any other way.  In fact, I give thanks everyday for my children.  When I become grateful the self-pity washes away.  This was and is God's precious plan.

I did not know that.

The courage was not in deciding to have other children.  The courage was and is in living my life to the fullest and to say why not me???  Blessings are mine to celebrate and embrace.  I have been richly blessed.  Why not me???

PLAY ON WORDS

Colin has a real collection of words that only he uses  -  we find them very interesting sometimes fascinating:

1. He often get migraine headaches  -  He calls them mind grains!!!
2. He loves to give our dog Max a massage on his paws  -  Colin calls them palms!!!
3. Its more better
4. He says  -  My remembory helps me to remember all the birthdays, anniversaries and special dates in our family.
5. He says novie instead of movie.  Maybe it is a new vie??
6. He calls potatoes  -  play doughs instead.  And if we correct him as we often do, because we are his "teachers", he will say poo taay toooe, stretching the word right out.  He can say it correctly.
7. He says veedeevee for DVD  -  and when I correct him, he says that's what I said, Mom!!!

In his early life as a child, he did have countless hours of speech therapy and bless those therapists as he was one tough cookie to deal with.  Lots of melt downs and those therapists were special and amazing.  He benefited from those classes humongously (did I just invent a word??)  BUT Colin has a mind of his own.  He certainly understands the words, he just can't make them come out of his mouth correctly.  He takes great offense to being corrected and I certainly can understand that.

We are always trying to make him as self-sufficient as possible.  Language skills can be a barrier to getting the help he needs sometimes.  In my quest to let him GO  -  I must remind myself that Colin has a Higher Power and I am not it!!!

I HAVE A LIFE

With the many challenges of having a "special needs" son like Colin, somewhere along the journey, I promised myself that I would have a life of my own.

It is a continuous struggle; its ongoing and at the core of this decision is one of self love.  Simple but not easy.  Some of you will laugh when you hear me say this, because I use this all the time.

The other day, I was feeling kind of blue, down in the dumps and I tried to phone some of my good friends; they were unavailable.  I talked to my Higher Power for a while (the God of my understanding)....  and then of course He gave me the message  -  BE GRATEFUL,  He said.  Ok then, I said; and I took out my pen and paper and started to make a list of the friends I have.  Not just friends, the kind of friends that I would; without hesitation; completely trust with my heart.  We are talking girl friends, not sisters, or cousins, because I also have some amazing family members.  Girl friends.  The list came very quickly and the list numbered 25.  Twenty five close female friends.

How have I come to develop so many good loving relationships??   By having a life.  By having a God in my life.

I believe Colin taught me how to grow up.  I believe Colin taught me to love unconditionally.  I believe Colin taught me patience.  I believe Colin taught me to be of service to others.  I believe Colin taught me that in order to be of service to others, I needed to be of service to me first.  Just as the airlines tell us to put that oxygen mask on ourselves FIRST; if there is a problem on the flight.  Then we can help others around us if necessary.

I make it a priority to take good care of myself.  I golf with some delicious and fun friends.  Dennis and I go to movies.  We go on holidays.  We visit our family.  We visit our friends.  We include our children and especially our grandchildren in our lives.  I go to coffee with my friends, meet them for dinner, go for long walks.  I try to make myself available on the phone for those important chats.

I take care of myself physically.  Attend my dental appointments, I attend my annual medical check ups.  I go to yoga classes.  I go to acupuncture and a chiropractor and wonderful Thai massages.  Take my dog for walks.  

I love the silence of the early mornings for prayer and meditation.  I take the time to pray and meditate.  I have created my quiet place.  I surround myself with people who are winning in life.  People who love, support and encourage me.  People who challenge me.  People who insist on transparency and honesty.  Really???  yes, really!!!

Colin has also taught me to say no.  I have had to say no to him.  He made me do it.  He can be very needy, manipulative and childishly demanding sometimes and in order for him to be fully independent, I have chosen to say no.  I choose to LET GO OF COLIN and say NO!!  Its a complete sentence.  It has made him react very negatively sometimes as you can imagine, but in the end; very good growth for both of us comes of this little word  -  NO!!!  My Higher Power is a great babysitter, better than I am that is for certain.  I have to visualize placing Colin in the palm of my God's hands sometimes and simply walk away.

I have a life, Colin;  and sometimes you simply have to wait or figure it out for yourself.   My self love is calling and I have to answer that call first.  Simple but not easy.