IT'S JUST A SORE THROAT

The other day, Colin came into my office.  It was a Wednesday, he always comes to my office on Wednesdays because that is the day he gets his spending money.  We have a few minutes to laugh and giggle and usually, he happily goes off to spend his money.

This Wednesday morning, Colin was not laughing and giggling.  He was pretty sick I could see that right away.  I work really hard at not over-reacting.  In fact, I have to work really hard at not reacting at all.  So I quietly said:  "What's going on Colin??  to which he responded:  "I'm sick, Mom".  Its something he rarely admits to me.  He is not a complainer.

He went on to say that he had a sore throat.  It was a croaky voice that came out.  Hmmmm, so I asked him if he wanted to go to the hospital??  Nope.  I asked if he wanted to go see our family doctor??  Nope, Mom, its just a sore throat.  That stopped me.  "Well, what's going on Colin?" I asked.  He admitted then that the jacket that he had on was not warm enough.

That was a huge admission.  We had just bought him that jacket under great duress.  We had a terrible argument in the middle of our favorite store.  I had asked him to go pick out a new winter coat.  He absolutely needed a new winter coat.  Colin has great fashion sense and great ideas about how he should look, not really concerned about APPROPRIATE attire for weather conditions.  I usually win out with the common sense, but sometimes, I am too tired to fight, and sometimes I just simply have to LET GO!!!  

A hard lesson for him and heartbreaking for me.  Colin does not always learn from consequences.   His brain simply does not always work that way.  This time I believe he learned something.

I gave him some money and told him to go find a BIG, WARM winter coat.  He phoned me later to confirm that he had chosen something much better.  Thank you God.  Your Will  -  not mine!!!

There are so many things that I have had to LET GO of.  Sooooo many.  I have learned much about myself and so much about Colin.

But I am still on the journey.  And so is he.

I don't think I will ever really have all the answers.  I know that I am always willing.  I know that I remain teachable.  But is that enough??

I don't want to be a "martyr" and I don't want to be a "victim".  I don't want to be full of self-pity.  Sometimes, I have to be there in order to climb out of that "rut" and to realize that I have done well.  I choose to appreciate and acknowledge that I have done a good job of balancing letting go with stepping in and changing something.  Otherwise, I will not be able to accept the guilt.  The guilt is simply another "rut".  I want to live in the gratitude that I have Colin to teach me great LOVE and acceptance.  I might not learn the lesson any other way.

Simple but not easy.  

SHE'S NOT MY GIRLFRIEND, Mom

Colin met Brenda many years before they became "friends".  They met at In-Definite Arts.  A magical place where artists come together to learn a great variety of mediums to express themselves.  If you are ever interested in donating to a worthy cause, they would accept your generosity.  http://www.indefinitearts.com/index.php

The artists learn how to paint, draw, use ceramics, fibers, etc.  

Their vision:  "Artists with developmental disabilities and their art are valued and celebrated in the community."

I did say its a magical place.  Colin loves it there. He is there every Monday and Wednesday afternoons.  Its very comfortable and he has many friends there.  Colin has been going to In-Definite Arts since 1990, about 23 years now.  Brenda was there all along.

About 12 years ago Colin told me about Brenda.  I remember the day clearly.  Its an event that will forever stay clearly in my mind.  Its best that I document it though, because I am never certain how long these "events" will stay in my mind.  ::))

We were sitting in the dining room at the table with my Mom, who was visiting from Saskatchewan.  It was in the Fall, just around Thanksgiving (Canadian Thanksgiving).  Colin began the conversation with the announcement that a "girl" gave him her phone number.

Oh really, Colin??  That's nice  -  was it a girl from work??  I was thinking that someone at his work was being kind and ensuring that if he ever needed a ride to work he might be able to give her a call.  Mothers are so naive.   I still am.

Nope, not from work.  Well, then, where is this girl from Colin??  She is from In-Definite Arts, Mom.

Oh In-Definite Arts?  What's her name then Colin??

Her name is BRENDA!!!  Oh, wow, Colin, that's nice.

Now, I am still in my naive state  -  I am not thinking that this could be anything but a casual friend.  I was not ready for the next comment.

Oh, Colin how old is Brenda?  He tells me that she is just a couple of years younger than I am.  Now THAT is interesting.

So Colin, what does Brenda look like??  Mom, she is cuter than you!!!  And he roars with his big huge laugh from the bottom of his toes.....  HAHAHAHA Mom!!!!  And then I knew  -  she was something special.

And she is.  Brenda has been part of our family ever since and Colin is part of her family.  They are extraordinary people with our Colin.  They include him in all their family gatherings.  Colin and Brenda have an extraordinary relationship.  What a gift this is.  She is definitely cuter than me!!!  They make a fine a looking pair!!!

They talk on the phone for hours.  I would love to be a little fly on the wall sometimes to hear part of their conversation, but no, I would rather stay naive.  When they are together, they are never far apart.

But I am NEVER to refer to Brenda as his GIRLFRIEND  -  she is just his "friend".  If you saw them together  -  you would know the truth. Its perfect just the way it is.

WHY NOT ME

I often get asked why I decided to have more children after Colin was born.  Colin is our oldest child.   I became pregnant with Sheldon our second son, because we wanted to.  It did not even occur to me  that our second child could be anything less than perfect.

And then I felt the same way about getting pregnant with our third son Derek.  

Some people say that this took a lot of courage.  It never occurred to me for a moment.  I just knew that we wanted more children.  

Possibly, I did not know what I was "signing up" for.

I did not know that I would never have a full night's sleep again.  Colin was always up at 6 - 6:30 am.  And night time routines were like walking on egg shells.  If the door bell rang after his bed-time, he was up for hours afterwards.  If the phone rang after he fell asleep  -  he was also up for hours.  And one would hope that he would sleep in the next morning because now he has had less sleep so he SHOULD be sleeping in.  NOT a chance, but I never gave up trying.  If he had food with sugar or color (jello) or foods with high dosages of preservatives, he was wired and anything could set him off.  Sleep was out of the question.  I walked around sleep deprived for many many years.  Never had trouble losing weight then.  Haha!!!

Did not know that.

It took me a long time to figure out that if we turned on some classical music, that would help to get him to sleep.  I am not sure how I came across that, and truly when you think about it....  it makes perfect sense.  It is relaxing and sacred  -  I still love classical music. 

I did not know that Colin would bite his baby brother so hard, he almost drew blood.  I did not know that.  Colin also pushed his baby brother down the steps while Sheldon was in his walker straight down the basement steps.  Sheldon was winded but clearly survived un-damaged.  I did not know that.

We washed floors on our hands and knees then  (don't worry, I rarely do that now).  But in order to do this job un-interrupted by Colin, I pushed our little china cabinet across the doorway so that I could keep him in the other room while I washed the kitchen floor.  Well, he sure did not like that, so he pushed really hard on that little china cabinet and yes, you're right, he pushed it right over.  I still can hardly believe that he did that.  Lost a lot of my wedding presents that day.  I was a yeller and screamer then, so you can imagine the yelling and screaming that went on that day.  He spent a lot of time in his crib after that little event.

I did not know that.

It was easy potty training Sheldon and Derek, but the potty training went on and on with Colin long after my two other boys were potty trained.

There were many times when I cried why me???  Why me??  What did I do to deserve this??  I thought I was being punished.  The self-pity was overwhelming at times.  I did not know that I was given a gift.  Colin is a gift and so are my two other precious boys.  I would not have had it any other way.  In fact, I give thanks everyday for my children.  When I become grateful the self-pity washes away.  This was and is God's precious plan.

I did not know that.

The courage was not in deciding to have other children.  The courage was and is in living my life to the fullest and to say why not me???  Blessings are mine to celebrate and embrace.  I have been richly blessed.  Why not me???

PLAY ON WORDS

Colin has a real collection of words that only he uses  -  we find them very interesting sometimes fascinating:

1. He often get migraine headaches  -  He calls them mind grains!!!
2. He loves to give our dog Max a massage on his paws  -  Colin calls them palms!!!
3. Its more better
4. He says  -  My remembory helps me to remember all the birthdays, anniversaries and special dates in our family.
5. He says novie instead of movie.  Maybe it is a new vie??
6. He calls potatoes  -  play doughs instead.  And if we correct him as we often do, because we are his "teachers", he will say poo taay toooe, stretching the word right out.  He can say it correctly.
7. He says veedeevee for DVD  -  and when I correct him, he says that's what I said, Mom!!!

In his early life as a child, he did have countless hours of speech therapy and bless those therapists as he was one tough cookie to deal with.  Lots of melt downs and those therapists were special and amazing.  He benefited from those classes humongously (did I just invent a word??)  BUT Colin has a mind of his own.  He certainly understands the words, he just can't make them come out of his mouth correctly.  He takes great offense to being corrected and I certainly can understand that.

We are always trying to make him as self-sufficient as possible.  Language skills can be a barrier to getting the help he needs sometimes.  In my quest to let him GO  -  I must remind myself that Colin has a Higher Power and I am not it!!!

I HAVE A LIFE

With the many challenges of having a "special needs" son like Colin, somewhere along the journey, I promised myself that I would have a life of my own.

It is a continuous struggle; its ongoing and at the core of this decision is one of self love.  Simple but not easy.  Some of you will laugh when you hear me say this, because I use this all the time.

The other day, I was feeling kind of blue, down in the dumps and I tried to phone some of my good friends; they were unavailable.  I talked to my Higher Power for a while (the God of my understanding)....  and then of course He gave me the message  -  BE GRATEFUL,  He said.  Ok then, I said; and I took out my pen and paper and started to make a list of the friends I have.  Not just friends, the kind of friends that I would; without hesitation; completely trust with my heart.  We are talking girl friends, not sisters, or cousins, because I also have some amazing family members.  Girl friends.  The list came very quickly and the list numbered 25.  Twenty five close female friends.

How have I come to develop so many good loving relationships??   By having a life.  By having a God in my life.

I believe Colin taught me how to grow up.  I believe Colin taught me to love unconditionally.  I believe Colin taught me patience.  I believe Colin taught me to be of service to others.  I believe Colin taught me that in order to be of service to others, I needed to be of service to me first.  Just as the airlines tell us to put that oxygen mask on ourselves FIRST; if there is a problem on the flight.  Then we can help others around us if necessary.

I make it a priority to take good care of myself.  I golf with some delicious and fun friends.  Dennis and I go to movies.  We go on holidays.  We visit our family.  We visit our friends.  We include our children and especially our grandchildren in our lives.  I go to coffee with my friends, meet them for dinner, go for long walks.  I try to make myself available on the phone for those important chats.

I take care of myself physically.  Attend my dental appointments, I attend my annual medical check ups.  I go to yoga classes.  I go to acupuncture and a chiropractor and wonderful Thai massages.  Take my dog for walks.  

I love the silence of the early mornings for prayer and meditation.  I take the time to pray and meditate.  I have created my quiet place.  I surround myself with people who are winning in life.  People who love, support and encourage me.  People who challenge me.  People who insist on transparency and honesty.  Really???  yes, really!!!

Colin has also taught me to say no.  I have had to say no to him.  He made me do it.  He can be very needy, manipulative and childishly demanding sometimes and in order for him to be fully independent, I have chosen to say no.  I choose to LET GO OF COLIN and say NO!!  Its a complete sentence.  It has made him react very negatively sometimes as you can imagine, but in the end; very good growth for both of us comes of this little word  -  NO!!!  My Higher Power is a great babysitter, better than I am that is for certain.  I have to visualize placing Colin in the palm of my God's hands sometimes and simply walk away.

I have a life, Colin;  and sometimes you simply have to wait or figure it out for yourself.   My self love is calling and I have to answer that call first.  Simple but not easy.

SPECIAL OLYMPICS - REGISTRATION DAY

Colin has been bowling with Calgary Special Olympics for about 24 years now. He loves this. He loves the coaches, sincerely loves the coaches, and he loves all the participants, well some of them he just ignores, but for the most part, I would say the Saturday activity is the highlight of the week.

The annual registration package arrives in the mail about 8 weeks before. Lots of forms to fill out. I cringe at having to fill them all out and I complain about yet again we have to do this in such an archaic way!! Standing in line for hours for a simple check mark on the application form; then another line-up for payment. ugh!!!

Registration day is mentioned almost every day from the day he receives the package. Don't forget Mom. September 4^th, Mom at 7:00 pm, Mom!!! Don't forget. Colin calls me at least once every day and every day he makes sure to mention this. God certainly wanted me to develop patience. I really still need to learn to grin and accept, and to just love him back. Its simple but not always easy.

The day finally has arrived. Colin meets me after work around 4:00 pm and we drive up to the NE part of the city so that we are in close proximity to the venue where registration takes place. We need to be sure we avoid traffic. A great anxiety attack would take place if we were late!!! Getting there later than 6:00 pm would be late. So we go have some supper. I try to make it a positive event for both Colin and I because this is my dreaded event of the year. My whole evening is taken up with this event. So supper at Sunridge Mall where he chooses the food court - Lebanese food. Colin, I ask, why do you want this food?? Because!!! Ok, Have you ever had it before?? NO, but that's what I want.... OK then, we both order a plate. He loves his but is not as hungry as he thought and I wolf all of mine down, it was delicious. Thanks for the idea Colin!!!

We make our way over to the registration venue; we have to park in a separate parking lot as there is already a line-up. We are there by 5:45 pm. It is really hot and we are standing outside waiting for the doors to open. Some very thoughtful people are handing out ice cold bottles of water. THANK YOU!!!

The atmosphere is truly loving. You can't miss it; Colin knows so many people!!! He is friendly and happy - He is usually quite reserved but in this environment he begins very slowly by grinning from ear to ear as only he can. Soon, he is shaking hands with people who are coming to him with hands extended..... HI, COLIN BUDDY!!! complete acceptance and genuine caring!!! This is the boy who used to hide behind me rather than return the greeting.  It continues for two hours, seriously - it takes two hours to get through this.

The doors finally open; it is hot in the building and crowded and noisy and I am wishing this is over when Colin looks at me and says: “Mom, its ok, its almost over” and I suddenly realize, I am here, in the moment, I need to appreciate this moment.... and then I see all of it. The people here are completely at ease with who they are. They accept each other and themselves.  

I met a young girl standing in front of us who was really chatty.... her name is: Joanne, but she prefers to be called JJ. She is a very high functiioning Down Syndrome girl and is here on her own. 25 years of age and such a sweet girl. There is a young Down Syndrome boy accross the way from us who is obviously interested in her and she is doing her best to ignore him, complete with the eyes rolling.  I love it!!!

Colin notices everything and everyone. He does not miss a thing. He is pointing people out to me and people are often pointing him out and grinning. He is truly enjoying this and I just need to stay in the moment. Soon we are at the registration desk amd we are greeted like family. It truly is a part of Colin's family. He is home here!!! People love him here, accept him here. That is very comforting to me. I am so grateful. 

The volunteers are amazing individuals who freely give of their time and energy.  Its simply amazing.  There are also other parents there.  Some of these parents are quite a bit older than I and it makes me wonder how brave they are!!  How courageous and how dedicated.  Do I see that in myself?  I think I am just Colin's Mom and I am grateful. 

Registration is complete for another year. There are promises of updating this process with on-line registration - please lets do that!!! 

But then we would miss this event!! In a way that would be sad.

INSPIRATION WAS IN THE AIR

I came home last night  -  9:30 pm and I was ready for a little quiet time before I retired for the night.  But as soon as I walked in the door I knew that quiet was not going to happen.

Colin our mentally challenged son is in the kitchen and he is "slaving" away at some creation on the stove.  Something was in the air  -  and I knew better than to comment on the mess in the kitchen or the time of day.

I asked him what he was doing and he quickly informed me that he was making tomorrow's lunch for him and Brenda, his special friend.  His face was beaming!!!

It was then that I noticed the look of passion on his face.  He was in the ZONE.  He was the master of his destiny and he loved what he was doing.  I did not want to interrupt this process.  Instead I left him and took care of a few chores around the house and then came back to the kitchen.  He was finished with his creation except for the fetuccine.  I offered to put the water on for that and also offered to clean up for him while he takes our dog Max for a walk.  He gladly agreed to do that and so off he went.  By the time he came back the kitchen was manageable again and the fettucini was almost done.  Colin and I both worked on the final steps and filled the containers for lunch the next day.

He was thrilled with his creation and invited me to taste it several times.  It was VERY good.  

We had Colin staying with us for about 6 weeks and during that time; we saw many examples of his passion at work.  He made many beautiful meals for Dennis and I.

He certainly has champaigne taste on a beer budget, but he somehow makes it work for him.  

A clear example of "do what you love".  

LETTING GO AND LETTING GOD

While living in Regina, transportation was provided for Colin to get to school.  A taxi came to the door every morning and delivered him to the front door of the school, and retuned home at the end of the day every school day. Quite often, he would get home and drop his lunch bucket and knapsack at the front door, grab the leash and take our dog "Willie" for long walks.  He would go for a long time.  (well, for me, it seemed like a long time.)

We moved away from Regina when Colin was about 15.  One of the first things that the new school in Calgary asked was if Colin was "travel trained".  "What is that?" we asked.  Well, they explained that it was a requirement for Colin to use the public transit here in Calgary to get to and from school.  I swallowed hard when I heard that.  I was working full time by then and I had no idea how this could possibly happen.

Another lesson in "Letting Go".  ooouuuuuch!!!

The school explained that they took this project on but that after a couple of weeks he would be on his own.  Luckily our son Sheldon was also going to the same school so both Colin and Sheldon travelled together.   It was a great thing.  Gave me a little sense of security.  Sheldon was by then in the role of being the "big brother".  (Poor Sheldon  -  I am sorry Sheldon  -  so proud of you)

The school provided a teacher aide who would come to our home to pick Colin up and also travel with him all the way home.  The travel training went very well.  Finally, the day came when Sheldon and Colin were traveling on their own together.  One day, Sheldon decided to stay for awhile after school for an event.  He explained to Colin that he should wait for him and that he would not be long.

I arrived home from work that evening to find that both Sheldon and Colin were not home.  They should have been home for at least 30 - 45 minutes before I arrived home.  I started preparing supper and soon Sheldon arrived without Colin.  What???  Where is Colin???  Oh no...  poor Sheldon bursts into tears.  He could not find Colin after his activity, so he thought Colin would be at home.

Sorry, no Colin.

Trying to calm Sheldon, I phoned the school, Calgary Transit and finally the City Police.  Talk about panic and anxiety.  We waited anxiously, what could we do???   Finally after about a very long hour, Colin arrived  -  everyone was crying by that time and very happy to see him.  He dropped his bag and walked past everyone while we asked what happened.  He simply responded "I am too tired to talk about it"  and went straight to bed and slept through the night.  Its one of our funny family stories.

After much discussion over the following weeks, we discovered that Colin decided to take the bus on his own.  He discovered that he got on the wrong bus and decided to simply stay on the bus until the bus made the full circle back to his point of origin  -  where he got off.  He then decided to walk home.  It was about a 25 KM walk.  He has never gotten lost since.  He has mastered the art of traveling on Public Transit.  He travels all over the City of Calgary.  He could travel train anyone  -  I am positive of it.  I believe that he has a photographic memory.  He knows the city very well.

This little skill has given him great freedom.  I try not to think of the situations he might find himself in at certain times such as when he travels home from a late night event.  I simply have to place him in the palm of God's hand, He is the best babysitter, after all.  Colin's freedom and independence are absolutely critical, so I stay out of the way.

Thank you Colin for another lesson.  Letting Go and Letting God is not easy but it is simple and so rewarding!!!