ULTRA-SOUNDS AND X-RAYS

So Colin finally agreed to go have an ultra-sound and an x-ray at 8:00 am today.  He agreed to meet me at the clinic.  He was there right on time.  Colin is NEVER late.  He is actually pretty obsessive about this.....  that's another story for another blog  ::))

The Doctor had ordered these back in October at Colin's annual checkup; we are nearing the end of January.  This is way overdue.

Colin and I have this see - saw relationship going on with things like this.  He likes to assert his independence, this was one of those times.  "Stop treating me like a kid, Mom"  He says.  I roll my eyes and step back.  I have to allow him his dignity and respect his wishes.  When it comes to medical issues....  that is a huge step back for me.  By the second week in January, I simply started to threaten as only a mom can.  I promised to intervene and make this happen if he did not work with his worker and book these appointments.  He continued to avoid getting this done, so true to my promise I intervened.  I emailed his worker and pleaded with her to get this done.  I might have even threatened, just a little!!!

Finally the appointment was made and I needed to take him to this appointment.  None of the support workers were available to take him.   Colin and I got in right away and I was going to let him go on his own.  He insisted that I come with him.  Finally I understood the issue.  Colin had never had an ultra-sound before.  He was worried about this "procedure" but he did not know how to articulate this.  So I got to join him and sit on the chair in the room while the technician did the ultra-sound on his torso.   I could see all the images, luckily, I don't know how to read the images, and I understood that it was important not to ask questions of the technician as she can't respond to any questions I might have.  I have to say that I found it very interesting but very worrisome.  I know not to express any anxieties that I might have.  Sometimes I am smart like that.  LOL.

I suddenly look at Colin and realized that he was sound asleep.  His belly was covered with that gel and the technician was doing her job, occasionally asking him to "take a deep breath and hold it", which he would do and then go right back to sleep.  It was everything I could do to stop myself from laughing.  It was hilarious, but I did not dare laugh.   How many of us would be able to do this???  Total trust and relaxation.

As we were driving away from the appointment, I casually asked him if he had fallen asleep, to which he replied "NO, Mom!!!"  Oh really Colin???  And he burst out laughing, knowing full well that I knew.  "I was just resting my eyes Mom"  and another big laugh. 

Then he shared with me that he coughed up some blood this morning.  I remained calm (not sure where that calm comes from  ::))  and asked him why that would happen??  He said he did not know.  And we simply did not talk about this anymore.  

I have to treasure every moment, every opportunity to laugh and to love and to accept him.  To think that those moments might not always be there is not a thought that I keep in mind.  I need to stay in the moment and appreciate the NOW.  Which is amazing!!  Thank you God for NOW.

WHAT??? Me worry???

Colin is diabetic, type II, diagnosed just a few years ago.  If not managed properly, its a life threatening disease.  I have learned a lot about this since his diagnosis.  He also has high blood pressure and high cholesterol.  A gift from the genetics on my side of the family.

His ability, functioning level is that of a 12 - 13 year old level.  He is certainly emotionally arrested at that age.  He knows it all.  Its very difficult to reason with him.  His medication is dispensed in bubble packs so that he can manage it a little better.  But when his dad and I visit his place we can see from the bubble pack that he is very inconsistent with taking this meds.  But I try not to worry.

The weather this winter so far has been dangerous to say the least, especially for a guy who walks and takes public transit everywhere.  We have had temperatures dipping down to - 30 and lower with bone chilling wind.  Exposed skin can freeze in minutes. Colin's dress code is that of a lawyer....  he wears a suit every day with shirt and tie.  He also wears the overcoat which is acceptable.  What is not acceptable is that he never wears anything on his head, does not wrap his neck and face with a scarf.  And he wears dress shoes which are very slippery and do not keep his feet warm enough.  He has fallen several times.  But I try not to worry.

He gets a grocery card to buy groceries once a week.  The reason for that is that he will spend the entire amount wether it is for one week or for one month.  He does not understand the concept of planning ahead.  What he does understand is living in the moment which is admirable.  And I could learn from that.  However,  he refuses any suggestions and guidance from me or from anyone in this regard.  He is fiercely independent.  The result is that he purchases his own groceries and often purchases high end items and its just very inappropriate.  But I try not to worry.

Sometimes, when Colin comes to our house for his weekly visit, he is in a very foul mood.  There is only one person that he takes his frustration out on and that is me.  I try really hard to let go and not react to his "abusive" language and behavior, but it is very trying at times and painful.  I am often in my bedroom with a few tears before I dust myself off and come back to deal with life with Colin.  He can have these "outbursts" and in the next moment is back to himself.  He might apologize and offer to give me a hug and goes on with life as though nothing happened.  But I try not to worry.

I know that he has a God who takes care of him.  And that this God is a better babysitter than I am.  God does have all the answers and I do turn to Him with this belief and offer to put Colin in His hands for Him to care for.  I do know this with all my heart.  I have moments of complete worry and despair when I think of the vulnerability of my Colin at times.  But I try not to worry.

I thank God every day for the amazing support system that I have been blessed with.  My amazing friends and family allow me to rant and cry but they don't allow me to stay in my self-pity.  They encourage me and love me back into loving myself enough so that I can carry on and try not to worry.  Simple, but not easy.