The start of a New Year requires a letting go of the old.
Yesterday, December 31, 2020, was not my best day. Colin had a doctor's appointment at 9:00 AM. He has changed medications and we have had several appointments recently, not fun for him and certainly challenging for me.
Colin's health is delicate in many ways in that he had a heart attack in 2017, and of course, he is diabetic. Back in 2017; his diabetes was actually out of control, very concerning for all of us who care for him. He was very unreliable with taking his meds. He did not live with us and his new room-mates had not taken on the role yet of dispensing his meds.
All of that has now been rectified. His supportive room-mates are responsible for dispensing his meds and Colin accepts and welcomes the structure and support that Ken and Linda provide. This year has been life-changing for Colin in that his supportive room-mates have introduced a meal package to come to Colin three times a week for nutritious and healthy eating. It's also an opportunity for Colin to work at developing his culinary skills. His meals are always served on his good china plates with silverware and candles in place. Imagine if we all did that even just once a week? Linda helps in the food preparation on the condition that Colin's place is nice and clean. This motivates Colin to get his dishes done and put away.
The progress since 2017:
His type-2 diabetes is under much better control.
His overall health and well being has improved dramatically.
He is motivated to keep his place clean (for the most part).
He has accepted help from his supportive room-mates.
He has accepted a change in medication from daily injections of insulin to one injection once a week. Ozempic is also an appetite suppressant with a variety of side-effects. He is still adapting to this.
He is less dependant on me - I have “delegated” and “released” the responsibilities of a variety of tasks to his workers/support staff as much as possible.
He continues to develop his creative skills with his amazing artwork - especially during these pandemic times.
He bowls with Special O - for more than 25 years now.
He is always up for a walk - he loves to walk.
Wearing a suit or tuxedo is what you will find him wearing as almost EVERY activity unless we strongly encourage wearing something more casual.
And there may be more - He continues to amaze me.
BUT yesterday was a difficult day for him and me. Going to see Colin's endocrinologist is very trying for him. I picked him up as I usually do - he was running a little late, but no big deal. I usually allow for delays, I like to be on time. As soon as I picked him up - he was distant and critical of my driving. This is a little irritating but does not really affect me... I have learned to overlook that.
Then when we arrived at the PLC (Peter Lougheed Hospital), where masks are required, I reminded him and he objected, saying that there will be masks when we arrive inside - OK Colin. When he was handed the mask in the hospital, he put it on upside down and I supported the worker by repeating what the worker had said - which triggered the 5-year-old response from him. It is very upsetting to have him do that - anywhere - anytime - but I did walk away and proceeded with paying for parking and proceeding to the actual Dr's office. Where there were 2 more outbursts always directed at me. My job is to maintain my composure and obtain all the information from the doctor. But I am dying inside.....absolutely crushed. Colin is very INTUITIVE and closely connected to me and he KNOWS - there is no communication required. However, I am stuck in the mire of accepting what is, but it FEELS like I am being attacked.
I was successful in completing and getting through the appointment. I drove Colin home and on the drive home explained to Colin (with a great deal of control) that he needs to decide who will take him to these appointments in the future....because I want to quit.
I broke down and cried for many hours when I got home - I am broken - I am finished. I cannot subject myself to this any longer. What, of this, can I control and change? Only me. I cannot change Colin. I can understand that this is very anxiety-producing for him and that he cannot find the words to articulate this.....but I cannot do that for him. I need to take care of me..... otherwise, I cannot be of service and help to Colin.
How do I take care of myself??? I connect with God - my Higher Power - my Daddyo. EVERY DAY. I surrender and I humbly ask for the support and direction I need, EVERY DAY. I go for walks, almost EVERY DAY. I take care of myself and ask for help EVERY DAY. I share my pain EVERY DAY. I practice gratitude EVERY DAY. I write down the miracles of my day EVERY DAY. I remind myself EVERY DAY that where there is FEAR, there is no room for LOVE.
I know that I am not alone..... I have an amazing network of amazing friends and family..... but in this walk sometimes I am ALONE. I am OK, he is OK - we are all OK.
We are off to celebrate the NEW YEAR at Colin's place where I know that every day is a celebration for him. He teaches me to live in the moment..... Will I ever learn?? My INTENTION is to learn, EVERY DAY and I intend to make 2021 amazing and to accept everything that comes my way.
