THE DARK SIDE - THE RAGE

There is of course the dark side of my beautiful boy.  Colin is very capable of "rage full" behavior.   I will never understand the triggers.  

It often happens when he is out of "his routine" or if he is very tired.  

The rage is never less than frightening, especially now that he is a full grown adult.  He can and does physically attack people and things.  He once pushed my aging mother which triggered a violent outburst from one of his brothers. All of us, myself included, have at times retaliated or attempted to control these rages.  

I wrote this poem when he was in his late teens after a really sickening event.  This poem is not meant to be a literary achievement but an outpouring of what was on my heart, it still makes me cry.  

A POEM ABOUT COLIN

This child of mine, this child of mine

Sometimes he make my face to shine

This child of mine, this child of mine

Sometimes he make my heart to go blind

I don't understand why

I can't control why

He only needs loving and acceptance

But when he goes crazy

I lose my serenity and my sanity

My heart just breaks

And my mind is crazy with fear

When he is through with his temper

I can still love him and accept him

But I won't always be here

Who will love him and accept him then???

I know that God has a special plan

After all Colin is a special man

He often fills my life with joy

In many ways he is still a boy

But I know that he is not here for me

There is a greater purpose whatever it may be

It is not for me to know

I want God for me to show

I want to let Colin go

And let his life just flow

I want God's will not mine

This child of mine, this child of mine

COLIN AND THE PRINCESS

There are many things that Colin loves. Its a quiet and intense thing about Colin. He knows what he knows and there is no one telling him or directing him in this area.

He loves every single member of his immediate family. But there are some of his family members whom he really LOVES. Most of these people are women. He finds it easier to get along with women, and he is a bit of a flirt with these women and compliments them at just the right time. He notices all the details, the earrings, the shoes, the purses, and often remarks out of the blue what he likes about them. It makes people grin in total appreciation. Melts your heart.

He is very selective about his friends, yes he is even cautious. But once they “pass the test”. There is no changing his mind. He does not have many friends, but those who are his friends, will be his friends forever. Many of my friends are his friends. Some of his dad's friends are also his friends. Many of these people don't even know that they are Colin's friends, but Colin knows.

He likes the fine things in life - we often tease him that he has champagne taste on a beer budget!!

And he smiles knowingly. Its one of the reasons that I stopped shopping for groceries with him, because I had had enough of negotiating with him. His “workers” are there for that. I have released and let go of that responsibility.

So many years ago when Prince Charles met Diana - Colin became completely “smitten” with her. He talked about Diana and the royals all the time. We gradually started buying all the picture books of the Royal family and especially the Diana books. He was fascinated. And in much the same way that he does with our family, he learned all the details about the Royal family. He can't (doesn't) read but he can sure listen and learn. He learned all about the Royal family history. The birthdates, (and he does remember birth dates), the anniversaries and where they live.  The names of the palaces. The names of all the children and grandchildren, who married who and who was divorced, etc., etc., 

It was fun for him and I had mentioned many times that I should write a letter to Diana to tell her about the devoted fan she had in him..... it is one of my regrets.  Colin simply adored her.

On the evening of her death, it was late in the day when I found out about it and I knew that I would hear from Colin when he found out.  I struggled with my decision to not call him as I was sure that he was sleeping. Honestly, I did not want to be the one breaking the news.  Early the next morning.... I believe it was about 5:30 am....my phone rang, woke me out of a “dead sleep”, I picked up the phone.  It was August 31st, 1997.

On the other end of the phone all I heard was “Mooooooom” he was yelling and sobbing - “she is dead, Diana is dead” and he sobbed some more - he was devastated and heart broken (as we all were). How could I explain it to him?  Why did this happen??? I had to go over to his place that morning. Never has anything in his adult life devastated him in this way. The poor kid was broken hearted.  What a tragedy!!

Colin knows how to love and he knows how to cry and he knows how to grieve.... you just simply cry and cry.... you also talk about the loss and then you go on with your life, knowing that you have loved.  Simple but not easy.