A RESUME???

Being the mother of a special needs child is a 24/7 job.  This is not a surprise  -  but sometimes I ask "could it be 3 - 4 days a week instead of a 24/7 job"?  Caregiver from afar, but the caregiver never the less.  Colin is fiercely independent and does not live with us, but he is also very needy.  

I had no training for this job (no mother/parent ever has);  I really believe that we learn as we go and we need to learn to trust our intuition and more importantly; ask for help.  It's really important that I forgive myself for being less than perfect.  I also ask other family members and learn from other's experiences.  And most importantly, rely on God for help.

There is a list a mile long  -  Wecare and Home Care; doctors, dentists, foot care, dealing with AISH, always being his advocate.

I have recently been in touch with many other parents, especially moms, many of them much younger than I with special needs kids who are also much younger than Colin (he is 46 now).  It is a rich blessing to be surrounded by such amazing young women.  They really are amazing. 

As many of you know, Colin was brain damaged at birth and also has developed Type 2 diabetes with a heart condition.  I thought by this time that I would be letting go of him more and more, but these medical challenges have drawn me in so that letting go is not an option.

There have been more health challenges in the last year and a half and I am feeling close to burn-out.  I catch myself thinking and saying out loud that I want to resign  -  I am tired of the stress and the demands.   But in sharing and talking with my dear amazing friends (and family), I have come to realize that quitting simply is not an option.  At this point, the choice is to slip into self-pity or ACCEPT with gratitude.  To that end, I have realized that I am at another level of ACCEPTANCE.  This is not going to change.  He is not going to change and I simply choose to learn to delegate and ask for more help wherever possible and continue to do what I can.

Above all, I choose to take care of myself.  Get rest, eat properly, go for my walks; where I pray and meditate.  I share with my amazing friends (talking is part of my processing) and I also take in lots of networking events, where I always meet some more amazing women.  Women who are brave and courageous and who are supportive and encouraging to me.  They INSPIRE me.  I breathe again and smile.  There is a God and He really is there for me and He knows what is up and what the future holds.  I simply choose to keep working on that resume!!!  And have another drink of that ACCEPTANCE and spike it with GRATITUDE.

A TRIP TO THE BARBER

Its Saturday and I usually don't hang out with Colin.  However, there is always a, however, he wanted a haircut.  I don't know about you, but when I want a haircut I usually want it now.  He is a fanatic about getting his hair cut.  What I am trying to say is I allowed him to talk me into taking him for a haircut.

This is not really about the haircut, but about the fact that I got to spend time with him today.  I had several errands and I really did not like the idea of having one more errand.

I met up with him, because "Mom, you don't need to pick me up  -  I will get there on my own".

We met at Tim Horton's (one of his favourite places) and then we drove over to the barbershop.  In the spirit of letting him make some decisions on his own, he picks the barber.  A small courtesy that provides DIGNITY for him.

While we are sitting there waiting; he chatters away about all kinds of things.  There is quite a large waiting area.  He talks loudly when he is excited; animated is the word.   Nothing really important but he is a storyteller and he does not appear to be affected by anyone around him.  You have to understand that he is dressed to the NINES  -  he looks like he is on his way to the Oscars because he is wearing his "tails" as he calls them.  It really is a formal tuxedo and he wears it allll the time.  Yes, he does.  Complete with a white shirt, a beautiful tie, and cufflinks.   Just a little bit of an attention getter.

While we are sitting there waiting and I am listening and acknowledging him and his stories I notice how some people in the waiting area are trying NOT to stare or "judge" but I know they are.  Colin is unaffected by people who might be staring or judging.  I have gotten used to it as well, but it's interesting to watch.

I look over at him and see him suddenly and clearly.  You know when you have a moment when everything stops and you really see someone???  It was one of those moments.  I suddenly see that he is aging, yes my boy is showing signs of health issues, heart attack and diabetes is taking its toll and my heart skips a beat and slows right down  -  I stop hearing what he is saying and I just see the lines on his face, the scars from the wounds on his face from the meds that he is taking.  WOW, I think how could this be?  This does not make me feel angry, worried or upset in any way.  This was truly a spiritual moment of stillness, love, acceptance.  I think maybe a God moment.

He will always be my beautiful boy (well my two other boys are beautiful too, after all, they are my sons).  But his face is the face of innocence.  Divinely created as we all are, but he has the precious face of innocence, lacking in judgment, self-pity, jealousy, victimhood, martyrdom.  These are all traits that almost all of us have.  He is for the most part completely free of these.  I see that in this precious moment.  

And then the barber calls him and life moves on.  But I thought I would share this moment with you because it had a huge impact on me and I don't want to forget it.

Grateful for this and many other moments with my precious son.  And now I am off to answer his 10th call of the day.  Likely just wants to say "goodnight my beautiful mom".

What are you grateful for??