I HAVE A LIFE

With the many challenges of having a "special needs" son like Colin, somewhere along the journey, I promised myself that I would have a life of my own.

It is a continuous struggle; its ongoing and at the core of this decision is one of self love.  Simple but not easy.  Some of you will laugh when you hear me say this, because I use this all the time.

The other day, I was feeling kind of blue, down in the dumps and I tried to phone some of my good friends; they were unavailable.  I talked to my Higher Power for a while (the God of my understanding)....  and then of course He gave me the message  -  BE GRATEFUL,  He said.  Ok then, I said; and I took out my pen and paper and started to make a list of the friends I have.  Not just friends, the kind of friends that I would; without hesitation; completely trust with my heart.  We are talking girl friends, not sisters, or cousins, because I also have some amazing family members.  Girl friends.  The list came very quickly and the list numbered 25.  Twenty five close female friends.

How have I come to develop so many good loving relationships??   By having a life.  By having a God in my life.

I believe Colin taught me how to grow up.  I believe Colin taught me to love unconditionally.  I believe Colin taught me patience.  I believe Colin taught me to be of service to others.  I believe Colin taught me that in order to be of service to others, I needed to be of service to me first.  Just as the airlines tell us to put that oxygen mask on ourselves FIRST; if there is a problem on the flight.  Then we can help others around us if necessary.

I make it a priority to take good care of myself.  I golf with some delicious and fun friends.  Dennis and I go to movies.  We go on holidays.  We visit our family.  We visit our friends.  We include our children and especially our grandchildren in our lives.  I go to coffee with my friends, meet them for dinner, go for long walks.  I try to make myself available on the phone for those important chats.

I take care of myself physically.  Attend my dental appointments, I attend my annual medical check ups.  I go to yoga classes.  I go to acupuncture and a chiropractor and wonderful Thai massages.  Take my dog for walks.  

I love the silence of the early mornings for prayer and meditation.  I take the time to pray and meditate.  I have created my quiet place.  I surround myself with people who are winning in life.  People who love, support and encourage me.  People who challenge me.  People who insist on transparency and honesty.  Really???  yes, really!!!

Colin has also taught me to say no.  I have had to say no to him.  He made me do it.  He can be very needy, manipulative and childishly demanding sometimes and in order for him to be fully independent, I have chosen to say no.  I choose to LET GO OF COLIN and say NO!!  Its a complete sentence.  It has made him react very negatively sometimes as you can imagine, but in the end; very good growth for both of us comes of this little word  -  NO!!!  My Higher Power is a great babysitter, better than I am that is for certain.  I have to visualize placing Colin in the palm of my God's hands sometimes and simply walk away.

I have a life, Colin;  and sometimes you simply have to wait or figure it out for yourself.   My self love is calling and I have to answer that call first.  Simple but not easy.