GUILT, SHAME AND GRIEF

Well, that does not sound like gratitude and acceptance.  These characteristics and feelings are very very real, when you have a special needs child.

I read somewhere today that "Grief is not a sign of weakness, its the price of love."

When one is blessed with a "special needs" child, the grief is on-going and never ending.  My heart was ripped to shreds when I could see that Colin's little cousins turned away from him when they became old enough to see that he was "different" or that his brothers' friends ignored him when they also saw that Colin was "different".  Occasionally, some of those little kids were really mean, bullies in today's terms.  Colin almost always ignored the taunts.

Inevitably thoughts turn to things like:  he will never graduate from high school, or attend university.  He will never get married, or have a family.  He will never drive a car.  He will never be fully independent. Reality, not denial but this does lead to grief. Very real grief and very painful. Sometimes this moves to self-pity and that is when I have to turn to gratitude.   It is in this grief and pain that I have grown and changed. Thank you God.

My father was a very domineering man. He decided everything - like it or lump it. He was also very caring and affectionate. He loved his family fiercely. He was also abusive in many ways by today's standards.

Many years ago, through the work that I did in my 12-step recovery program, I was faced with the need to make amends with my dad. A daunting task, but I was willing and I asked my God for the strength and courage and the opportunity. He did not disappoint me.  He never does.

One evening, the opportunity came for me to forgive my Dad and to tell him that I believed (and I really do still believe) that he did the best he could with the tools that he had.  My dad passed away very suddenly about six weeks later.  Don't wait to say you're sorry!!!

The magic of that excercise was freedom. Forgiveness frees the forgiver!!! I promise you. In forgiving my Dad - I forgave myself. It was a slow process. I needed to forgive myself for being less than a perfect parent and in doing so, I became a better parent. I was already a good parent, and I became a better parent. I was filled with more gratitude and when I have a grateful heart, I am more forgiving.... full circle. Magic!!! Colin was getting a better Mom - one that he deserved.

I was also relieved of the guilt and the shame..... but that is another story.