S U R R E N D E R

Today in the middle of the day - when I had an uneventful day - very quiet and I even had a nap kind of day - I broke down in tears and suddenly realized that I wanted someone to take care of me. I realized that I am tired.

Its been a 3-month run of medical appointments, doctor's appointments, telephone conversations, appointments with home care, late night calls with home care. Not to mention filling out the necessary paper work. More runs to the hospital with Colin because of a wound on his forehead which won't stop bleeding. He is on blood thinners so this is not uncommon. His out-of-control diabetes produces skin issues. Then having him freakout in the middle of the hospital “Rainman” style because he was suddenly afraid that they might admit him again.

Late night negotiations with Home Care (the visiting LPN's) to knock on the door one more time please. Colin has a habit of falling asleep in front of the TV and sometimes does not respond, or worst - he has “decided” that he does not want to co-operate with that particular LPN - “she's mean Mom”!!!

Booking dental appointments - ensuring that they have the latest list of medications/prescriptions. Special O needs that list also. So does Indefinite Arts. As does C.A.S.S.

Are you tired yet???

At 44 years of age on January 11^th, Colin had a heart attack. We found out during his hospital stay that he in fact has 7 blockages in his heart and it truly is a miracle that he survived. To complicate this; Colin was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes about 7 years ago. A stent was installed but open heart surgery is not an option because his type 2 diabetes was out of control. We are doing everything we can to ensure that his diabetes settles down.

Are you worried yet???

Dignity for Colin has always been our primary goal. Not monitoring his eating habits and his lifestyle choices may have resulted in the situation that we are in now. But he is fiercely independent. Now his lifestyle is being closely monitored by myself and by his supportive roommates. He is now on insulin once a day, which he can administer himself but he needs to be supervised by home care so that we can ensure that he is in fact taking this medication. This is not going well as his fierce independence rears its ugly head and insists that he knows how to do this!!!

Colin's emotional maturity is at about 12 – 13 years of age - what would you do with your 12-13 year old??? What decisions would you make?? His health and welfare are taking a back seat to his dignity - but should it?? What is most important???

I am tired - I am doing everything in my power to “take care of myself”. To balance this out with my personal interests and needs. But sometimes - it just becomes overwhelming and I just want someone else to do this and I want someone to just take care of me!!! I am making sure that I go for a massage, haircut, a new yoga class, pedicure, naps in the afternoon, coffee and phone calls with my good friends and family. I am NOT eating well, but I will get on with that. I am so grateful for the amazing support I have surrounded myself with.

Because, in fact, I have been doing this for 44 years. I have been Colin's MOM for better than 44 years now. He is a gift; a blessing - I can't say that enough. He has definitely made me grow up and he also keeps me young!!!

The only thing left to do is to Surrender - to the God of my understanding - as long as I do this - I am not alone - I am walking hand in hand with my Higher Power. Just for today God, could you go to the next meeting with Home Care??? Of course You will, You will be right there with me - I simply have to surrender and You will be there.

Thanks for listening.

Colliding Emotions

I wrote this in September 2016; just before we moved Colin to his new home:

Emotions are colliding this morning!!!  I am both very happy and very sad!!!

Colin and I met with Ken and Linda last night  -  they are going to be his new room-mates.  They actually are taking Colin into their home and have set up the basement so that he can live with them in the basement of their home.

Its a beautiful home with a walk out basement and lots of big beautiful windows, it does not even feel like a basement.  The back yard backs onto a park and the river runs through this park.  There are lots of trees and it truly is a beautiful spot.

Ken and Linda's motives are truly in the right place and it really is like a dream come true for our family.  They have really good professional credentials and are perfectly suited to do this kind of work.

So what is the emotion?  -  dagnabit!!!  I should be just fine with all of this right??  

It's really about another grief in my life.  Colin's life as he knows it will be changing dramatically.  He will be losing some of his independence.  He will need to learn to live with others as he has been on his own for over 20 years.

The reason for the decision to move him is because Colin is a diabetic.  For the most part, ever since he was diagnosed about seven years ago; Colin has managed his meds  -  but for some reason over the last couple of years he has been very undisciplined in this regard.  (That is a polite way to say that he has been irresponsible).  This is a tragedy because now his blood work indicates big problems. He needs help to manage his meds.

It means he has to change his way of life.  Now that he has seen his new home and met his "room-mates" he is quite happy and excited about this new adventure in life.

I need to be open, flexible and accepting and embrace this new change in our lives.

A MOTHER'S DAY ANGEL

Something happened to me on Mother's Day that I think is worth sharing.

Colin LOVES special events like Mother's Day so there is no doubt he will be hanging out with me on Mother's Day.  

Its my birthday just days before Mother's Day and so on the Sunday before he said "Mom, I want to take you somewhere for your birthday"  -  which makes me grin from ear to ear....  because I know that I will be paying for this special lunch....  but he still thinks he is "taking me for lunch".  

I let him "take me for lunch"  -  he loved every minute and so did I.  A hamburger joint with tons of fries  -  you know the one.  It was a lot of fun.

My other two boys also treat me really well for this special time of year.  They don't "take me for lunch"  -  they have families of their own and that is really good.  They always have special gifts for me and they are sure to call and wish me a Happy Birthday and Happy Mother's Day.  They are a delight.  And this year I got a video from each of the 6 and 4 year old grand-sons  -  pure joy.  My life is blessed.

I am truly grateful.

On Mother's Day this year, Dennis, my hubby had to work from 11:00 - 4:00 pm which left Colin and I to spend the day taking care of errands.  We managed to go to the off-leash area to take Max our dog for a run.  We both really enjoyed this.  Then we stopped at Sheldon and Jennifer's for a quick visit and to be presented with a wonderful gift.  

After that we needed to put Colin's grocery list together  -  which is a bit of a stretch.  He has to be "encouraged" through this process.  Lets just say that I am tired by the time we get through this. Then its off to the Co-Op where lots of people know us because that is what we do every Sunday!!!   I was feeling a little sorry for myself.  Boo hoo  -  Mother's Day and I am grocery shopping!!!  ::))  There is a lot of dialogue between Colin and I.  I have my calculator to ensure that we stay within his budget.  We got through and got a lot of good bargains.  It was a successful shopping trip.  I am tired.  I need to drive through traffic and make sure to get Colin home so that he can unpack his groceries and make his supper.  Then I have to drive back home.  Boo hoo!!!

After finishing at the till, Colin had to go down the hall before we left the store, so I was standing there waiting for him.  An attractive middle aged lady came up to me and said:

"Hey, I just wanted to tell you that you two look really good together   -  he is so cute and you are both dressed so nicely.  Happy Mother's Day!!!"  

And she gave me a big smile. She walked away really quickly leaving the store.....  almost like she disappeared.  I think she might have been an angel.  I think she was reminding me that I am an angel  -  that I am doing angel's work.  Its hard for me to acknowledge....  but there you go, I said it.

That lady gave me a wonderful gift  -  it almost made me cry  -  it shifted my self-pity to gratitude.  

Sometimes we go through our days believing that no one really notices   -  but there are angels among us  (one of my favorite songs).  Thank you to the lady in the Co-Op store who noticed and made the decision to acknowledge and appreciate.  There are so many angels out there.....  are you one??  How do you acknowledge yourself???  Do you acknowledge other angels???  It could change someone's day.  It changed mine.

BROTHERS AND BIRTHDAYS

It's Derek's birthday today!!!  Happy Birthday to my youngest son!!!  For days leading up to this; Colin talks about how its Derek's birthday coming up.  Colin does not need a reminder.  He knows birth dates and anniversaries for everyone!!!  You could say he is almost obsessive about it.  A good obsession to have in my opinion.  He reminds me constantly.

He said that he would call his brother Derek for his birthday.   Of course he did.

Colin absolutely loves his brothers.  If he could; I know that he would find the most expensive and finest gift in the world for them. 

He adores them, idolizes them.  He is never jealous of their success.  He simply trusts them completely.  He does not say a bad word about them ever.  He notices everything about them.  What they wear, what they like to do, what they like to eat, what they like to drink!!!  He listens very carefully to them.  He observes everything about each of them.  He knows what kind of cars they drive.  He loves it when they take him for a drive.   He remembers everything.

Colin knows that he will never drive; and he is ok with that.  He knows that he will likely never marry. He has accepted that.  He knows that he will never have a house of his own and he is ok with that.  But he loves that his brothers have all this success in their lives.  He is very proud of his brothers.  

His brothers love him too, there is no doubt about that.  They have accepted him also.

How blessed - how completely blessed am I?  What more could a mother ask of her children??

My cup runneth over and I am so grateful.

ULTRA-SOUNDS AND X-RAYS

So Colin finally agreed to go have an ultra-sound and an x-ray at 8:00 am today.  He agreed to meet me at the clinic.  He was there right on time.  Colin is NEVER late.  He is actually pretty obsessive about this.....  that's another story for another blog  ::))

The Doctor had ordered these back in October at Colin's annual checkup; we are nearing the end of January.  This is way overdue.

Colin and I have this see - saw relationship going on with things like this.  He likes to assert his independence, this was one of those times.  "Stop treating me like a kid, Mom"  He says.  I roll my eyes and step back.  I have to allow him his dignity and respect his wishes.  When it comes to medical issues....  that is a huge step back for me.  By the second week in January, I simply started to threaten as only a mom can.  I promised to intervene and make this happen if he did not work with his worker and book these appointments.  He continued to avoid getting this done, so true to my promise I intervened.  I emailed his worker and pleaded with her to get this done.  I might have even threatened, just a little!!!

Finally the appointment was made and I needed to take him to this appointment.  None of the support workers were available to take him.   Colin and I got in right away and I was going to let him go on his own.  He insisted that I come with him.  Finally I understood the issue.  Colin had never had an ultra-sound before.  He was worried about this "procedure" but he did not know how to articulate this.  So I got to join him and sit on the chair in the room while the technician did the ultra-sound on his torso.   I could see all the images, luckily, I don't know how to read the images, and I understood that it was important not to ask questions of the technician as she can't respond to any questions I might have.  I have to say that I found it very interesting but very worrisome.  I know not to express any anxieties that I might have.  Sometimes I am smart like that.  LOL.

I suddenly look at Colin and realized that he was sound asleep.  His belly was covered with that gel and the technician was doing her job, occasionally asking him to "take a deep breath and hold it", which he would do and then go right back to sleep.  It was everything I could do to stop myself from laughing.  It was hilarious, but I did not dare laugh.   How many of us would be able to do this???  Total trust and relaxation.

As we were driving away from the appointment, I casually asked him if he had fallen asleep, to which he replied "NO, Mom!!!"  Oh really Colin???  And he burst out laughing, knowing full well that I knew.  "I was just resting my eyes Mom"  and another big laugh. 

Then he shared with me that he coughed up some blood this morning.  I remained calm (not sure where that calm comes from  ::))  and asked him why that would happen??  He said he did not know.  And we simply did not talk about this anymore.  

I have to treasure every moment, every opportunity to laugh and to love and to accept him.  To think that those moments might not always be there is not a thought that I keep in mind.  I need to stay in the moment and appreciate the NOW.  Which is amazing!!  Thank you God for NOW.

WHAT??? Me worry???

Colin is diabetic, type II, diagnosed just a few years ago.  If not managed properly, its a life threatening disease.  I have learned a lot about this since his diagnosis.  He also has high blood pressure and high cholesterol.  A gift from the genetics on my side of the family.

His ability, functioning level is that of a 12 - 13 year old level.  He is certainly emotionally arrested at that age.  He knows it all.  Its very difficult to reason with him.  His medication is dispensed in bubble packs so that he can manage it a little better.  But when his dad and I visit his place we can see from the bubble pack that he is very inconsistent with taking this meds.  But I try not to worry.

The weather this winter so far has been dangerous to say the least, especially for a guy who walks and takes public transit everywhere.  We have had temperatures dipping down to - 30 and lower with bone chilling wind.  Exposed skin can freeze in minutes. Colin's dress code is that of a lawyer....  he wears a suit every day with shirt and tie.  He also wears the overcoat which is acceptable.  What is not acceptable is that he never wears anything on his head, does not wrap his neck and face with a scarf.  And he wears dress shoes which are very slippery and do not keep his feet warm enough.  He has fallen several times.  But I try not to worry.

He gets a grocery card to buy groceries once a week.  The reason for that is that he will spend the entire amount wether it is for one week or for one month.  He does not understand the concept of planning ahead.  What he does understand is living in the moment which is admirable.  And I could learn from that.  However,  he refuses any suggestions and guidance from me or from anyone in this regard.  He is fiercely independent.  The result is that he purchases his own groceries and often purchases high end items and its just very inappropriate.  But I try not to worry.

Sometimes, when Colin comes to our house for his weekly visit, he is in a very foul mood.  There is only one person that he takes his frustration out on and that is me.  I try really hard to let go and not react to his "abusive" language and behavior, but it is very trying at times and painful.  I am often in my bedroom with a few tears before I dust myself off and come back to deal with life with Colin.  He can have these "outbursts" and in the next moment is back to himself.  He might apologize and offer to give me a hug and goes on with life as though nothing happened.  But I try not to worry.

I know that he has a God who takes care of him.  And that this God is a better babysitter than I am.  God does have all the answers and I do turn to Him with this belief and offer to put Colin in His hands for Him to care for.  I do know this with all my heart.  I have moments of complete worry and despair when I think of the vulnerability of my Colin at times.  But I try not to worry.

I thank God every day for the amazing support system that I have been blessed with.  My amazing friends and family allow me to rant and cry but they don't allow me to stay in my self-pity.  They encourage me and love me back into loving myself enough so that I can carry on and try not to worry.  Simple, but not easy.

IT'S JUST A SORE THROAT

The other day, Colin came into my office.  It was a Wednesday, he always comes to my office on Wednesdays because that is the day he gets his spending money.  We have a few minutes to laugh and giggle and usually, he happily goes off to spend his money.

This Wednesday morning, Colin was not laughing and giggling.  He was pretty sick I could see that right away.  I work really hard at not over-reacting.  In fact, I have to work really hard at not reacting at all.  So I quietly said:  "What's going on Colin??  to which he responded:  "I'm sick, Mom".  Its something he rarely admits to me.  He is not a complainer.

He went on to say that he had a sore throat.  It was a croaky voice that came out.  Hmmmm, so I asked him if he wanted to go to the hospital??  Nope.  I asked if he wanted to go see our family doctor??  Nope, Mom, its just a sore throat.  That stopped me.  "Well, what's going on Colin?" I asked.  He admitted then that the jacket that he had on was not warm enough.

That was a huge admission.  We had just bought him that jacket under great duress.  We had a terrible argument in the middle of our favorite store.  I had asked him to go pick out a new winter coat.  He absolutely needed a new winter coat.  Colin has great fashion sense and great ideas about how he should look, not really concerned about APPROPRIATE attire for weather conditions.  I usually win out with the common sense, but sometimes, I am too tired to fight, and sometimes I just simply have to LET GO!!!  

A hard lesson for him and heartbreaking for me.  Colin does not always learn from consequences.   His brain simply does not always work that way.  This time I believe he learned something.

I gave him some money and told him to go find a BIG, WARM winter coat.  He phoned me later to confirm that he had chosen something much better.  Thank you God.  Your Will  -  not mine!!!

There are so many things that I have had to LET GO of.  Sooooo many.  I have learned much about myself and so much about Colin.

But I am still on the journey.  And so is he.

I don't think I will ever really have all the answers.  I know that I am always willing.  I know that I remain teachable.  But is that enough??

I don't want to be a "martyr" and I don't want to be a "victim".  I don't want to be full of self-pity.  Sometimes, I have to be there in order to climb out of that "rut" and to realize that I have done well.  I choose to appreciate and acknowledge that I have done a good job of balancing letting go with stepping in and changing something.  Otherwise, I will not be able to accept the guilt.  The guilt is simply another "rut".  I want to live in the gratitude that I have Colin to teach me great LOVE and acceptance.  I might not learn the lesson any other way.

Simple but not easy.