SHOPPING - WITH A SMILE??

Shopping is NOT my favorite activity!!!  I am usually on a "mission" when I go shopping.  My least favorite shopping is when I take Colin shopping.

Colin does not understand how money works (not sure I do either, hehe) If things don't go according to his plan, it could trigger an outburst equivalent to that of a 2 year old having a complete meltdown, complete with kicking and screaming and hitting; yes, it has happened.  I cringe at the thought.  Remember "Rainman"??  Yes, that is what he is capable of.

Shopping with Colin is usually an opportunity for me to hone my negotiating skills and I must say I really suck at doing that with him.  Progress not perfection  -  you have likely heard me say THAT before.  

Friday night, after a long very busy week at work and an especially trying day at work, Colin "negotiated" a shopping trip with me.  This shopping trip was specifically for the purpose of getting Colin a new suit.  Ahem!!!

Colin LOVES to wear suits.  It is an obsession with him.  He truly has "champagne taste" on a "beer budget" and makes it work for him.

Colin actually started the day with his regular phone call to me at 7:30 am  -  he was in the most cheerful mood.  Dennis even commented on it.

I picked him up for our little shopping trip at 4:00 pm. I prayed (I don't always) for patience, enthusiasm, strength and courage and the sense of humor to lighten this task for both of us.

Tonight was a miracle.  The cheerfulness was infectious  -  he found humor in everything.  We needed to get some Christmas shopping done first (one of his favorite things is shopping for Christmas presents).  He came up with some really good ideas for his brothers and sisters-in-law and we were able to get all these things in a reasonable time frame and within his budget.  He found something funny in all the situations....  I am beginning to wonder if someone "fed him something"???

We went into one store to buy something for his young nephews and found just the right thing.  The sales clerk who processed our purchase commented on the "mood" that Colin and I were in.  The sales clerk said a couple times "I don't get the joke" but said it in a way that he knew what was going on  -  it truly was a very cool experience.  This young man could see that Colin was special and he just played right into the "mood".  Thank you God.

Then came shopping for the "dreaded" suit.  Colin tried one suit on  -  tooooo expensive and it did not fit right anyways.  Colin usually expresses his disappointment in a very inappropriate way but he was unfazed by this.  This sales person also saw that Colin was special needs and you know some people are so mature, kind and compassionate and that is what we got from this individual....  AMAZING!!  

The second suit was perfect (how the heck did that happen???  who planned that anyways???).  We went on to find the perfect shirt, tie and pocket pouf.  Are you kidding me???  We got this all done in about 40 - 45 minutes!!!  This is a miracle.  My little Christmas Miracle  -  and the beautiful thing is that it was done with enthusiasm, grace, fun and humor.  God was all around us on this shopping trip.  No,  that does not mean that I am going shopping again tomorrow, unless I am taking my grand kids (hehe).

I will be sure to take God shopping with Colin and I next time; guaranteed!!!

Anybody want to take Colin shopping??

I AM AN AUTHORITY ON GUILT

Well that title might tell you that I am somewhat confident in that statement.  Which I am.  After Colin was born, it is needless to say that I was overwhelmed with feelings, emotions I was not aware I was capable of. As Colin grew and developed so did those emotions and feelings.  As I mentioned before, Colin was very tiny at birth and he spent the first ten days in an incubator.  He was allowed to come home with us about 10 days later.  He basically spent the first three weeks of his life in the hospital.

All the doctors and nurses assured me that he would be fine; he was tiny, but that he would catch up and not to worry.  I really wanted to believe them, but I do have 7 younger brothers and sisters.  I had been around babies and I knew what they did and how they developed.  My self-esteem was not exactly on top of the world, thus I let the "authorities" decide how I should feel about Colin's development.

When he was finally diagnosed as having been brain damaged at birth, it was almost a relief and an affirmation of what I had believed all along.  My intuitiveness was pushed way down then and I did not trust myself at all.  Gradually, the intense feeling of guilt started to creep in.

"What did I do?"  "Maybe I should have taken Colin to a different Doctor sooner."

"What could I have done differently?"

"What if I had not smoked during my pregnancy?"  (of course in THOSE days there was very limited information about what happens to babies when Moms smoke and drink).  I drank and smoked during my pregnancy.  I beat myself mercilessly with this one.

And when memories of the delivery came along  -  I agonized over all the details, wondering if there was something that I did wrong.  I played these tapes over and over in my head.

I heard a good speaker years ago who said that Hallmark should have a card that states "Guilt"  on the outside of the card and on the inside "The Gift That Keeps On Giving".  Its kind of a humorous comment on a very negative topic.  Guilt actually does not give but it certainly keeps on taking.  Its a huge shadow that sucks the energy out of love.  It is cunning and baffling and powerful!!!  It takes away all possibility of self-love.  It gave me permission to wallow in self-pity and to remain feeling like a victim and a martyr.  Many times I felt I was being punished.  How could I have a healthy relationship with anyone when I could not let God into my life??

The best thing I did to overcome this guilt was to do the "WORK" of looking at myself and looking at my life.  It is in forgiving my parents for the perceived "wrongs" that were done to me while I was growing up that I found forgiveness for myself.  This was powerful and very gradual.  The effect has been magnificent and freeing.  It helped me allow a God of my understanding back into my life.

I believe today that I would have missed all of this if I had not been given the gift of our son Colin.  Gratitude had replaced the guilt.  I am a work in progress however, because this is an on-going process.  Progress NOT perfection is what I always say.  Bless my beautiful son Colin!!!

THE DARK SIDE - THE RAGE

There is of course the dark side of my beautiful boy.  Colin is very capable of "rage full" behavior.   I will never understand the triggers.  

It often happens when he is out of "his routine" or if he is very tired.  

The rage is never less than frightening, especially now that he is a full grown adult.  He can and does physically attack people and things.  He once pushed my aging mother which triggered a violent outburst from one of his brothers. All of us, myself included, have at times retaliated or attempted to control these rages.  

I wrote this poem when he was in his late teens after a really sickening event.  This poem is not meant to be a literary achievement but an outpouring of what was on my heart, it still makes me cry.  

A POEM ABOUT COLIN

This child of mine, this child of mine

Sometimes he make my face to shine

This child of mine, this child of mine

Sometimes he make my heart to go blind

I don't understand why

I can't control why

He only needs loving and acceptance

But when he goes crazy

I lose my serenity and my sanity

My heart just breaks

And my mind is crazy with fear

When he is through with his temper

I can still love him and accept him

But I won't always be here

Who will love him and accept him then???

I know that God has a special plan

After all Colin is a special man

He often fills my life with joy

In many ways he is still a boy

But I know that he is not here for me

There is a greater purpose whatever it may be

It is not for me to know

I want God for me to show

I want to let Colin go

And let his life just flow

I want God's will not mine

This child of mine, this child of mine

COLIN AND THE PRINCESS

There are many things that Colin loves. Its a quiet and intense thing about Colin. He knows what he knows and there is no one telling him or directing him in this area.

He loves every single member of his immediate family. But there are some of his family members whom he really LOVES. Most of these people are women. He finds it easier to get along with women, and he is a bit of a flirt with these women and compliments them at just the right time. He notices all the details, the earrings, the shoes, the purses, and often remarks out of the blue what he likes about them. It makes people grin in total appreciation. Melts your heart.

He is very selective about his friends, yes he is even cautious. But once they “pass the test”. There is no changing his mind. He does not have many friends, but those who are his friends, will be his friends forever. Many of my friends are his friends. Some of his dad's friends are also his friends. Many of these people don't even know that they are Colin's friends, but Colin knows.

He likes the fine things in life - we often tease him that he has champagne taste on a beer budget!!

And he smiles knowingly. Its one of the reasons that I stopped shopping for groceries with him, because I had had enough of negotiating with him. His “workers” are there for that. I have released and let go of that responsibility.

So many years ago when Prince Charles met Diana - Colin became completely “smitten” with her. He talked about Diana and the royals all the time. We gradually started buying all the picture books of the Royal family and especially the Diana books. He was fascinated. And in much the same way that he does with our family, he learned all the details about the Royal family. He can't (doesn't) read but he can sure listen and learn. He learned all about the Royal family history. The birthdates, (and he does remember birth dates), the anniversaries and where they live.  The names of the palaces. The names of all the children and grandchildren, who married who and who was divorced, etc., etc., 

It was fun for him and I had mentioned many times that I should write a letter to Diana to tell her about the devoted fan she had in him..... it is one of my regrets.  Colin simply adored her.

On the evening of her death, it was late in the day when I found out about it and I knew that I would hear from Colin when he found out.  I struggled with my decision to not call him as I was sure that he was sleeping. Honestly, I did not want to be the one breaking the news.  Early the next morning.... I believe it was about 5:30 am....my phone rang, woke me out of a “dead sleep”, I picked up the phone.  It was August 31st, 1997.

On the other end of the phone all I heard was “Mooooooom” he was yelling and sobbing - “she is dead, Diana is dead” and he sobbed some more - he was devastated and heart broken (as we all were). How could I explain it to him?  Why did this happen??? I had to go over to his place that morning. Never has anything in his adult life devastated him in this way. The poor kid was broken hearted.  What a tragedy!!

Colin knows how to love and he knows how to cry and he knows how to grieve.... you just simply cry and cry.... you also talk about the loss and then you go on with your life, knowing that you have loved.  Simple but not easy.

MOMMA BEAR

When Colin was about 8 years of age, he attended a midstream school here in Calgary.  It was a special education class, but in a "regular" school in the Separate School System.  (A Catholic based school).

Now Colin was a handful  -  very active and very unpredictable.  He was incontinent.  For all the time that he had been in Special Ed classes; we had been blessed with angels for teachers.  It truly was wonderful.  I cannot imagine working with a classroom of these children, but these women were wonderful and so were the assistants. 

I knew that he could be very disruptive and throw tantrums and have melt-downs.  Very difficult to handle.  But he could melt your heart and resolve in a second with his huge smile.  I still don't know what we could have done differently so that he might have been easier to be with.  Oh but the guilt!!!

If you ever have watched the movie "Rainman"  -  the scene where "Rainman" has a meltdown in the airport just before boarding the plane....  THAT is what Colin was capable of doing as a child....several times in a day;  and he can still do that today (but not several times in a day).

When he was 8, we ran into "the bad one"  -  we were bound to find one teacher who just did not get it.  I was in the habit of talking with the teacher almost on a daily basis....  it was the Momma Bear in me.  This teacher started to share with me that she found it "funny" how easy it was to "taunt him",  -  REALLY??  Seriously???  

I listened very carefully after that because I did not want to jump to conclusions.  Shortly following this conversation, she pointed out that she was going to spank him "if he did not shape up".  I quickly took that up with the principal....  same story!!!  All right then, you have messed with the wrong Momma Bear.

I started to call every single School Board Member at the Calgary Catholic School Board and every single one of them gave me their mailing addresses.  

Every School Board Member received a letter.

Every School Board Member received a phone call from me to confirm that they had received my letter.

Within a couple of weeks - maybe a month, that teacher was terminated.

I share this because this is part of what having Colin did for me.  It made me reach down and become who I did not know I could be.  He made me grow up.


I was terrified of calling those board members, but I was determined to make some changes for my son.  How dare you believe that it would be ok to use a spanking to change this child's behavior.  For those of you who have special needs children, rise up and fight for what your heart is telling you.  Each of us has leadership skills and we can do what is the best for our children.  We as parents KNOW.  Sometimes, we simply need to use our grief and our anger and harness them in a positive direction.


Our special needs children need to be in society to learn how to survive and lead happy independent lives.  They need to be in a supportive, loving environment in order to achieve this.


We need to be the best advocates ever for our children.  With God on our side (and He always is) we can be AMAZING advocates!!!


Don't give up.  Don't give up the fight.  And Bless all the teachers out there who get it!!!

GUILT, SHAME AND GRIEF

Well, that does not sound like gratitude and acceptance.  These characteristics and feelings are very very real, when you have a special needs child.

I read somewhere today that "Grief is not a sign of weakness, its the price of love."

When one is blessed with a "special needs" child, the grief is on-going and never ending.  My heart was ripped to shreds when I could see that Colin's little cousins turned away from him when they became old enough to see that he was "different" or that his brothers' friends ignored him when they also saw that Colin was "different".  Occasionally, some of those little kids were really mean, bullies in today's terms.  Colin almost always ignored the taunts.

Inevitably thoughts turn to things like:  he will never graduate from high school, or attend university.  He will never get married, or have a family.  He will never drive a car.  He will never be fully independent. Reality, not denial but this does lead to grief. Very real grief and very painful. Sometimes this moves to self-pity and that is when I have to turn to gratitude.   It is in this grief and pain that I have grown and changed. Thank you God.

My father was a very domineering man. He decided everything - like it or lump it. He was also very caring and affectionate. He loved his family fiercely. He was also abusive in many ways by today's standards.

Many years ago, through the work that I did in my 12-step recovery program, I was faced with the need to make amends with my dad. A daunting task, but I was willing and I asked my God for the strength and courage and the opportunity. He did not disappoint me.  He never does.

One evening, the opportunity came for me to forgive my Dad and to tell him that I believed (and I really do still believe) that he did the best he could with the tools that he had.  My dad passed away very suddenly about six weeks later.  Don't wait to say you're sorry!!!

The magic of that excercise was freedom. Forgiveness frees the forgiver!!! I promise you. In forgiving my Dad - I forgave myself. It was a slow process. I needed to forgive myself for being less than a perfect parent and in doing so, I became a better parent. I was already a good parent, and I became a better parent. I was filled with more gratitude and when I have a grateful heart, I am more forgiving.... full circle. Magic!!! Colin was getting a better Mom - one that he deserved.

I was also relieved of the guilt and the shame..... but that is another story.

THE PHONE CALLS AND HIS LAUGH

Good morning my beautiful MOM  -  its 7:30 AM and he calls me every (yes every) morning.  Sometimes, its "good morning gorgeous" in a voice that is dripping with joy and happiness!!  You gotta ask yourself where does that come from??  Of course, we know where it comes from.  It comes from his heart and his heart is blessed with no stress, complete faith and complete acceptance.  No judgement and complete unconditional love  -  could I please have some of that  -  please??

Colin lives independently and in many respects, is very independent but he is still very attached to me in many ways.  We have let go of him and encourage as much independence as possible, but I still manage his finances  -  I am working on letting that go too.  He has a "standing" invitation to come to our house every Sunday and any other special family gathering.  But in between his visits  -  he certainly calls me and stays in touch with me.  Now he has a cell phone and it can be upwards of ten calls per day, somedays its more.  I have programmed my phone to remind me that it's "my angel" calling me.  Sometimes, when its the 10th call and I am going crazy with many other "things" in my little life  -  I sometimes answer the phone with "WHAT COLIN, now what do you want???"  To which he responds  "Oh Mom  -  I want to tell you something"!!!

He is usually calling to remind me about his laundry money, his bus pass, his grocery cards, and oh Mom, a little gossip like "I called Auntie Norma today and SHE said....."

He calls his two grandma's every every day.  They love it and so does he.  He keeps them both informed with all the details every day.  We could learn something from that also.

He is a detail person and if he met you today, he would remember all your details, the color of your hair / eyes / shoes / dress / slacks / jewelry.  He will remember what you said, and he will remind me, usually quizzing me to see if I remember.  I usually don't and he just laughs.  He has the best laugh  -  of course I love his laugh.   He throws his head back, mouth wide open and laughs a  big wide open laugh from the bottom of his socks.  We could all learn to laugh like Colin.  When was the last time that you had a laugh like that???

Well, he is a great guy, but at times I have to dig really deep to get to the gratitude and come up with more patience for that 10th phone call.  In the end of course its always worth it, because you never know when he's going to say "Hi my gorgeous Mom"  -  I would be willing to bet there are many Moms who would give their right arm to get just one call like that.  The reward is that, as I shared in an earlier blog, he made me grow up and now he is keeping me young....  but don't tell him that cuz he would just laugh.

I am blessed and so is he.  Thank you God!!!  Blessings to you, and Thank You!!!